[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

Finally, the place I can relate to.
 
Hi, I’m Beyondy. And I think asking people with depression to go on a date I a legit idea :v
 
Ok, that’s a bad one. But I’m a pretty 18 age old guy if you’ll ask me.
 
Tonight was the night I left my comfort zone. Most of people try to kill time by drawing, playing games, watching TV. That worked with me too. Untill my consciousness began to go slightly off.
 
Just why am I writing this here? Because I am a pathetic looser, who loves himself too much to start make a dialog with someone and act stupid. Of course I can bite back. It is easy when you’re talking to colorful profiles - not actual people.
 
Do you think that life is a gift? If so, do you find life of a bug as miraculous as yours? Both the same living things. Both need something. The life itself is a sin, it brings an unwanted suffering. Even when we really don’t want to hurt someone. We do.
 
I’m not planning to kick the bucked manually. That will be disgraceful. That will hurt my family. That is why I’ll wait till my mommy will die, than daddy. Then I’ll end it all by my own.
 
But before that all I want is just to imagine how it could be to be in good terms with someone. Not because you love the same things. Just because you do care about a single life response coming much farer away.
 
If you like me - PM me.  
If you hate me - I respect your viewpoint and kind of share your enthusiasm.
 
Let’s try to change the world. But if it miserably fails, let the world change ourselves.

YOU HAVE GOT TO KIDDING ME!? HOLY SHIT I WANT TO DIE AND GIVE UP MY LIFE! This is the worst birthday ever! First my problems has bothered me! My bad reactions gotten worse! My new transformer toy is shitty, because the transformation was extremely hard to peg in, and extremely stiffy, now that I am giving in it a 5/10 which is not fair! And now my friend has lost a post from Instagram that he was gonna show me, and I blame my stupid ass bad reactions for not letting me remind him that I didn’t see the post! Wow! I feel like a complete joke today! This is fucking pathetic! My birthday is a fucking failure! Unbelievable! What’s next to fail me this year!? Halloween!? Thanksgiving!? Christmas!? New Years!? You know what, whatever! FUCK MY LIFE! I give up. I want to die.

Man, I’m feeling really depressed right now  
Have been for the past week or two  
I think my depression is coming back.. guess it was bound to happen since so much shit in life sucks.. heh  
It’s getting hard for me to go and do stuff.. like, I’m on vacation and.. idk.. damn it  
Normally I’d be okay with this… But right now I’m around a lot of people and… I’m horrible at faking that I’m happy… And..
 
 
Just forget it…
 
And.. damn it.. the longer I wait the worse it’s going to get.. I don’t want to but it’s not hard.. I think you know what I’m talking about.. it’s something that will probably happen eventually if I can manage to last that long without killing myself
 
Eh… It’s just.. ugh.. how much more fucking BS is there going to be that I need to do.. luckily I don’t need to eat right now… Don’t need to go to the bathroom.. I should shower though, hmm
 

 
Okay, I’m rambling on at this point.. ffs.. bad habit

Honestly though, my mood is just matching how I mostly feel.. it just hurts.. I forgot how much it hurt…. To… To feel depressed
 
Low energy.. sad.. gah
 
I’m just.. confused.. I hate being confused because no matter how much I think about something, I can usually never figure it out.. and it just makes me depressed trying to
 
Right now I’m trying to figure out.. why are there so many cruel things that can happen to people.. but why are there so many good things.. it just seems.. so… Silly.. it’s almost like.. we’re being forced to stay alive… And the good things are covering the bad things so… Like….  
Ugh… It’s confusing to think about
 
 
The 450mg Wellbutrin seemed to work for a short while.. gave my mood a boost.. but now.. I’m sure it’s still helping.. but.. I feel depressed and a little low energy even with it  
And I can’t really go higher.. I could but the benefit would be minimal and the side effects would skyrocket  
At least I’m managing to keep my weight, I think.. based on my calorie consumption, I should actually be gaining some.. which is good.. since I weighed like 129 before

@Shylover  
A Transformers toy that does not transform well and a deleted post from Instagram should not male you feel this way.
 
I never liked those toys because they were so hard to use. I did not want to mess with a toy for 20 minutes to try to get it to transform, and they often stayed half-transformed because I gave up trying to get them into one form or another. The show was nice, though.
 
I don’t want you to die, and I don’t think that you do either. You want to get better, but you don’t know how to, so you want to give up. If you are at this point, please get to a hospital safely and ask for assistance. Financial issues should not be a factor in your health, especially when your life is involved.

Oh man… Accidently closing the door on my finger felt kind of good  
I didn’t close the door hard, so it just hurt a little bit.. just enough to where.. man… Idk.. but it felt good.. damn  
I felt this… Rush and calmness  
I forgot how much pain can feel good sometimes.. I used to cut myself just so I could feel that.. heh  
Oh, and look, I spammed once again.. not only is it TL;DR but it’s also a bunch of rambling and shit

You can’t climb…
 
All you can do is sink!

@Badheart  
Or fall backwards

@Badheart
 
@TheDreaded
 
I prefer to die standing. Like Benkei. Don’t move or take another step.

@DarkObsidian
 
Tell that to the gangsters who tried to knock me out one Friday night.
 
Motherfuckers got my last cigarette it was a Djarum

@Badheart
 
I’m sorry, I have enough to do with keeping all those wanna-be gangsters out of my business. They are not particularly dangerous, but act in wolf packs. Kurds, Lebanese, Moroccans, Nigerians, Chechens. Just to name a few.  
Actually, only the Kurds are really aggressive and dangerous.
 
Even if they are persecuted in their homeland, here they act like criminals, which are divided into different clans. They only leave me “alone” because they know that I am friends with the local Bandidos. And that I own a loaded gun. Which is not self-evident in my country. Yet I’ve already had a knife right to my face three times. Amateurs…

@DarkObsidian
 
They hit like girls but I woke up with a nice headache the next day.
 
I was pretty drunk.  
Probably mad I bought all their beer.

I have no identity….

@Flutter_Lover  
This is probably not going to be helpful, but:
 
From what I know, you have your own identity, and you certainly would fit in with many groups of people. The issue is that you don’t fit in within your current subculture, which leads you to feel alone.
 
Perhaps you could work toward changing your location so that you could move into a society that is more like you.

@Starry Mind  
HOW? Get a job?

@Flutter_Lover  
Is it bad to get a job?

@Scrabbleman  
Definitely not.

I just met someone online months ago.. and wanted to be a boyfriend to them. And I got them to get a discord and have them tell me more about them as I told myself to them too. The moment when I started seeing their face and more of their replies through text and pictures; I got more and more anxious. I became very scared. I felt different and didn’t want the person as a boyfriend. There’s more to explain.. If any of you want an explanation I can go further.
 
I was just, isolated, confused, and went the wrong direction and kept going that way. I got the person to start liking me… I Wasn’t feeling it.. I was trying to feel it.. Then days after, I told them I couldn’t do this and told them I didn’t want to continue talking them and that I’d didn’t feel that I wanted to be their boyfriend.
 
I removed the chat log and removed them from discord. I was then anxious and paced my apartment, calling three different people, asking them if it was the right thing to do. And this relationship only lasted around a week and a half and got them interested and happy..
 
I came back months after this. Thankfully this person didn’t harm himself or disappear. I went to browse their page and it even said he was online. I was relieved to see him still online and still active. I started submitting art to the website I talked to them on. They started noticing and typed a comment on one of my submissions. I sent him a note and started talking to him again.
 
He told me … asking me to be more specific; “Do you know what it feels to get rejected 29 times?” I tried to tell him I was depressed, more likely isolated, confused, and was also rejected and That I understood his tears.
 
I drew this person a picture and he wanted a part two. I told him that I was most likely going to do it until we got to.. breaking up. He talked about it again when I talked to him recently…
 
I am not for sure if this person understands … how to respond more maturely.. The replies I was recieving were more of anger and some other replies were sentences that cut to short straight points. He told me he would be right back, and left for a good …maybe.. 6 to 8 minutes? And I thought he committed suicide. That’s when I called my mother because I was sooooo anxious…
 
He came back later. I told him I was crying and relieved that he came back. Because I was so anxious. And then that’s when he mentioned part two of a submission I made, was going to be made by him…
 
It seemed kind of like a childish response.. Most likely.. I told him I was going for a bike ride and would get back to him. AND I did. I rode bikes with my cousin and hung out with my cousin after making it to his house.
 
Now, I did not get a reply back from him when I said I would be right back. I told him I didn’t want any negative responses and just wanted to be a listening ear If he wanted anything.
 

 
So, I really just have questions and am needing desperate responses.
 
Is it possible to turn anxiety into depression? I think I’d rather be depressed than anxious all the fucking time. Depression lost me though, good thing.. But if anxiety turned into depression, would that make me loose sanity? Would that result in major emotional issues?
 
Am I a bad person… if I reject someone, remove them immediatly after telling them… that I didn’t want this relationship…. because I wasn’t feeling the heart of it.. and… IF THEY DID kill themselfs… would I have to be blammed?
 
What would god think… I think he would understand, I am sure. I believe god as someone who understands other people and lets them be them for who they are no matter what. As long as there is no brutal damage to anyone mentally or physically..
 
It seems like the guy wont commit suicide. And I am hoping it doesn’t happen. I told him I just wanted to be his friend when I came back..
 
Someone answer this.. Like.. at any given time; when they have the chance… Just please answer this..
 
I need reassurance, clarity, guidence.

@Background Pony #28E5  
He may not be trying to be manipulative, but it is very bad to be forced into a relationship because you want the other person to stay alive. He needs to get help, and if you want to get out of this relationship, he should respect that. If he did not do anything bad to you, tell him to get help and leave him–it is for your own wellbeing. If he did something bad to you, then you need to call the police and let them deal with this.
 
You are not to blame for his issues, and you are not a bad person.
 
Anxiety and depression build on one another. Depression does not reduce anxiety, and you do not want to be depressed.
 
Also, I have a bit of advice that I can give as an atheist that used to believe in God: do not live in fear of going to hell or purgatory. Being religious is fine, but do not worry about going to those places. Follow your own morals and not what is interpreted from a book. When you try to strictly follow a holy book, you are not doing what you believe is right or wrong, but what you believe you have to do to avoid punishment in the afterlife. You are a moral person, and you should not need a book for your moral guidance. By all means, continue to believe, but be your own moral person.
 
I need to go to sleep now because it is 1:52 in the morning. I will try to respond to you again later, if you have anything else to say.
 
Good luck with this.

@Background Pony #28E5  
This is a hard post to reply to
 
However removing someone instantly after you reject them is really rude, instead you should explain not everyone is good at getting your thoughts/context
 
And suicide of such person could be blamed on you especially if you removed them like you did
 
Because it shows that you became somehow disgusted with a certain person

@TheDreaded  
I strongly disagree with this. You should not have to stay in a scary relationship, and you should be free to leave at any time.
 
Leaving somebody for your own sake does not mean that you are to blame for anything that may happen afterward, especially if you suggest that they seek help when you leave.

@Starry Mind  
There’s still a case of responsibility, however. By being in a relationship, you are partially responsible to another person’s physical, mental and emotional health. Should you damage it, you hold some responsibility over it.
 
While he(?) has the right to leave, it should’ve been done better and not kicking a person out of a chatroom with no warning.

@TheDreaded
 
@Starry Mind
 
I will explain more. I just .. I have to work. I gotta come back to this soon. Thank you both for your responses.
 
I REALLY want to respond back to you guys. If thoughts keep me up, I will come back.. and respond to you guys sooner.
 
I just noticed the time. And I really do need the replies.

sdshyxfyk

@Scrabbleman  
I gave them the warning before I left, telling them How I felt about the relationship and I said that I wasn’t feeling the love.. -before I left immediatly after.
 
The relationship only last around a week and a half.