Help me. I cannot live like this anymore.

Hello there.
I know this is strange to ask such questions in this kind of place where everybody are okay with it. But I need to get out. I was out of the fandom for almost a half of the year. I tried to separate my life from ponies in any way. I deleted everything related from my PC. I have dropped everybody who was kinda Brony from my web. Certainly, some things had it’s good results but… I cannot stop it. I can’t stop watching porn. I kinda lost interest in people and not in mental way - I still the company guy. But I think I was some much in this s*** that i’m gonna drown. I cannot ever look to human genitalia the only one that interests me is equine one. I was in the fandom for 7 years and many bad things happened during that. When I started I was 14. And I already had hard relation with sex and such, considered myself “asexual”, which I found out to be abnormal for guys like me when growing up. More than that I had slowed development of the psyche, which makes a little of retard. Of course years to come I have managed to be as equally normal as any other guys. Except… i’m not into people, not even homosexual what at least would make sense to me - such things happen.

I still love the cartoon, but 4 years ago it is already was not about it. From that point I had an addiction. I no longer enjoyed anthro and I no longer enjoyed at least any kind of furry porn which has a lot of human degree in it still. It is now horses, including the real ones. I jacked off for seven times a day and I was drinking lots of water and using lots of wet wipes so I can do it. I became paranoid because I live with family and a brother in my room. I never wanted them to see what I’ve become. I always was against smoking and drugs but I saw myself became a no better person with an addiction that comes… from my brain. My parents actually started to notice that I use lots of wipes and drink to much water but only to get worse at looks. That is of course because making sperm takes a lot of resources from organism on the first place.

My parents are orthodoxian christians. They’re good people with good sense and I should thank them that i’m at least somekind of good person, but at the same time with lots of terrible traits. Yeah a little conservative and always trying to remind me of that “you will grow up, find a wife, and make a lot of kids either you go to the path which only is redeemed if you serve god in the monastery for the rest of days, if none of that then what are you anyway - a waste of life to believe all the nothingness like atheists?”. I understand you will start to critique them for being too hardcore but in other words without examples… I don’t have a life really and this is what they’re trying to tell me. Church will not help me rid of any addictions and I know that because I have enough education for that, I have a social worker diplome. Heroin guys won’t be healed talking to guy with a crest, maybe a little tips will be given to how do anything, but really I need help and just tips from a guy who never knew it from another point of view? Then you will say I need a psychatrist. I live in the country where psychatrists are good at everything, except of difficult sex situations - incests and rapes are usually healed good, but anything other than that… you will be given a szchisophrenia or anything else. That is an X on all my life then… I need to find another way.

When I realised what I have become, I tried. I have managed to reduce the amount of time I spent thinking about porn and jacking off. I even challenged myself and didn’t do so for painful 42 days. But… then hell broke loose and I was back there again. I tried to make myself too tired or to be busy so I will focus on something else, I even tried pain. I even considered suicide at some point, but I do understand that it won’t help and take the life away - i’m not doing it.

And I should considered it way back then, but I was stupid and a teen. While I was doing some porn only got better. Clopician appeared and many other became god-tier artists in their genre. I started to think it is unstoppable. Each time I think that I do not deserve anything. Each time I tried to make up with anybody, I even tried guys, it gets so messed up because of this thing, it’s not about sex but at least some relations at words build upon some of that interest… and I kinda suck at this point when everybody realise I want a f***ing horse, I cannot hide it, because there is always ways to find even if I deleted ponies from everywhere.

I don’t even know why I came HERE writing it if you still enjoying it so much. You might not help me and maybe expressing myself was a big mistake. It’s hard to move on.

I’m not your therapist.

But …

It sounds like you have found an effective coping mechanism. There’s nothing in here about you being unable to work, aside from your paranoia about being found out, and your guilt and shame about what your family will think if they find out.

And it definitely sounds like you’re managing it in a way that doesn’t interfere with your ability to go to work or be with friends and family, except that you are paranoid they will find out.

So, you might benefit from finding a more effective coping mechanism - one that doesn’t cause you to be paranoid and one which you would not be afraid of others finding out about you.

Or, one that can never be found out.

You might write stories to yourself about the things that trigger you in ways that can give you the same endorphins and catharsis. Then you could simply delete them every time you’re done - never save those things. That way you can be ‘acting out’ whatever it is about this fetish that is triggering you, without it being sharable with others.

And that way you don’t have to keep sneaking in the wet wipes or feeling that drinking as much water as you are is somehow associated with something shameful.

If you’ve worked with people addicted to heroin then you have experience in ameliorating or redirecting addiction cycles.

Remember:

• Initiation.
• Experimentation.
• Regular Usage.
• Risky Usage.
• Dependence.
• Addiction.
• Crisis/Treatment.

Sounds like you’re already at the crisis stage. So - what’s your treatment? What are your possibly beneficial substitute behaviors?

What would you do if one of your clients came to you and said they had an addiction, regardless of what the addiction was? Because - as you know - the client’s own emotional tangle surrounding their addition can sometimes be more of a trap than any actual physical addiction.

How would you help yourself if you were your own client?

Try that.

And if nothing else, go into AA. It sounds like you are from a very Christian upbringing and environment. And 12 step programs can really be beneficial for people who were raised in those kinds of settings.

You don’t have to be an alcoholic to go to AA. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to make an appointment. You don’t have to share the details of why you are there.

But you may benefit from the mutual support (even if others don’t know what your specific problem is) and the twelve step program might be super effective for you.

You might even get support from your family, albeit a confused support since they might think you’re an alcoholic.

But, would that be so bad? You’d still be getting support, and alcoholism is something that Christianity is good at helping with.

Because right now, as I’m sure you know, you are presenting in a way that is largely indistinguishable from a simple label of “addiction”. What you are addicted to is your own personal drama. Others don’t need to know what you are addicted to in order to help you find beneficial substitute behaviors, or to find more effective coping mechanism.

And, remember, if you simply cold turkey on your addiction, then you might be getting rid of the coping mechanism that’s making it possible for you to live an otherwise normal life.

If you WERE NOT doing what you are doing now, where would all that stress and anxiety go? How would you “cope” if you get rid of what appears to be such an effective coping mechanism that you’ve abused it to the point that you are now addicted to it?

But, if you are going to cold turkey, and some people do, you mentioned monasteries. And they do exist. Spending a few months in one as a volunteer while you figure out what you want to do with your life is absolutely not a bad idea, if you can afford it.

In my experience getting an exact match between the actual religion of yourself and the monastery is less important than finding a monastery that has practices that can “hook” you. Places that do things that help you feel more in control of your life.

Maybe doing dishes quietly each morning and evening is what will really help. Maybe sweeping floors. Maybe sitting quietly and intensely focusing on a subject or a theme is what will help.

Find out. Experiment. Try some sample videos of those kinds of practices on YouTube. Shop around.

FWIW, getting a job washing dishes at a truck stop can actually feel a lot like being in a monastery. Stuff is going on all around you, but the only thing that matters is “Are the plates clean?”

That in and of itself can be an incredibly meditative practice. Plus its good exercise.

And, if you do go to a monastery, remember to pack lots of … how did you describe it? Oh, yes - “lots of wet wipes”. Be sure to bring “lots of wet wipes”.

Because where-ever you monastery up, wet wipes might be tricky to get or sneak in, unless you pretend to have some sort of horrible toiletary issues.

And there’s a non-zero chance you will relapse. Maybe more than once. So you want to be prepared. Cold turkey is … well … it’s Trainspotting, innit?

I wrote here because therapisths doesn’t help this much in such situations. The real reason they’re working with their sleeves down due to healthcare being governmental and free, and it’s has it’s issues that cause a lot of chaos in medicine. I will not discuss fuhrer the problems that come out of that. Also a lot of people working in healthcare seen half of the life, they were even born in times when the punitive psychiatry was on, especially in cases such as mine. So I wrote here to hear usual people, like you for example.

About me being social worker - I am a starter really. I wasn’t in the work with addicted people, yet. We just heard a lot from people who had really hard things with them in their practice and we were not got to practice with such people because it is believed to get risky and dangerous to students so it is mostly in theory. It is actually a relieve that I do not know any person who was through that hell. But yeah, cycles, we know them. The problem that for some reason we never learned about sexual deviations, maybe because it is still controversial to get such themes into colleges.

Good say about family, but not really an option here… My father is really harsh on “sexual things” and mother just approves his tendencies. It would be better if I was just alcoholic, because he understands it since he was one, so it’s hard to make him think that i’m one now. They both know I do not drink and has disgust for most of the existing alcohol beverages and those I might like I only could get in small supplies, which certainly doesn’t make me an alcoholic, not even drunk. They will just not believe me and start searching for “sect”, or “cult”. Father was never addicted to pornography and I can hear anytime from him about homophobia and pedophiles, and I think whatever is on my side is probably “the same” question for him of being gay either pedophile and it doesn’t matter for him did you confess or not. He may bully a little, but since it’s a parent that gotta to be painful. That doesn’t mean he’s bad but i’m his son and he does show his concern and worry like that. I think any parents are this worried and show it that way.

However the 12 steps programs. I heared of them and I’ll try finding those. Maybe group psychotherapy is also a way to deal with it since it has similar choices.

I also had all my entire life wrote-rewrote so good that I remember even small details, that includes even roleplaying at some point and lots of people I interacted with. Maybe going back again is not a bad idea and I could find something new. Our brain is impossible at it’s capabilities. So I will do it again.

I’ll try work harder in the sense you explained it. Monasteries now sound not as bad as I thought, but I will take them as a last resort.

And…

@Ciaran
>Because right now, as I’m sure you know, you are presenting in a way that is largely indistinguishable from a simple label of “addiction”. What you are addicted to is your own personal drama. Others don’t need to know what you are addicted to in order to help you find beneficial substitute behaviors, or to find more effective coping mechanism.

Never thought of that in this way, and thank you for sharing this thought. So simple and effective, how did I not get that before?

And I of course will learn about copying mechanisms more so I can fight with it and as you said create a good one that replaces another.

Thank you for understanding and replying! I think I have a little bit of better understanding how to maintain my deeds in this question. I also hope maybe this will help some of the others too.

@Background Pony #9A35
You’re welcome.

And, for me at least? Anything you can life-hack is a bonus. Like, if something triggers you, and watching a quick video in private fixes it? Then it’s fixed.

You wouldn’t believe how many highly payed professionals get through the day and achieve a high level of “being an adult” because of their quick fifteen minute dashes to the bathroom for a little “me” time. Being a sysadmin for a big corporate space is … illuminating. You would not believe the range of porn that people consume all day long to stay focused.

Fortunately I was mostly working in Japan or in “the industry”, so no one cared what kept people going and focused. Only that they stayed focused and kept going.

If Mister CEO wants to watch a quick porn of a woman spanking a man? Who cares if it keeps him going all afternoon.

And, in case you haven’t tried it, check out Neuro Linguistic Programming. It absolute is a scam and is used a lot by sales and marketing teams to manipulate customers. But, you can also use it to hack patterns of behavior in yourself.

Cause, sometimes you just need to manipulate yourself.

And if you can redirect a craving, it can make it a lot easier to deal with whatever is triggering you.

I wish you all the luck :)

Us artists spent a lot of time and energy to perfect our craft of horse privates and make them as attractive and addictive as possible, rewiring the brains of our audience in the process, so don’t blame yourself for your interest toward it ; it was the exact purpose ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

More seriously, sounds like you’re in a negative feedback loop of cravings and repression and shame which add stress that needs to be adressed with the things you’re craving ; could there be some excess pressure in your environment, as it seems you’re living with your strict parents? No way you could live to your own place, with as much privacy as you want, to think about all of this and let the feelings disappear by themselves?

@d1ckbitch
Well, I cannot shame people for what they’re enjoying and even if they get money on people who consume such things. I also will not put any consumers to shame. Because what’s the point. I mean I can’t be completely negative about the things I enjoy even if I despise myself doing so, why blaming the others? If they’re okay with it that’s totally fine. It is my fault and my infidelty that I got into sticky situation and not somebody else’s fault.

About parents. Yeah, right now I do not have any choice and leaving parents house is the hardest thing to do not counting the money thing. Finding work is even easier than that. Even if I go away from parents that doesn’t mean I should “get with it”. If really when I reach the point of being on my very own, not much in myself and my interests will change, not dramatically at least. I asked such dark question because it’s really about me and my life, not because they could find out. There is always a place to jack off and to hide it, as long as you know the patterns, timings and such - this is always was the thing among the young in general. I’m okay with masturbation and not okay with what makes me do it.

Feelings cannot just dissappear for themselves really. That doesn’t work for me. Instead I have to work with them. Back in the day 6 years ago I wasn’t as steady and forgivable person as I am now. I was naive and could get angry when hell break loose in my socialisation which… uhh, failed at the time. That includes my ex that wanted to give our naughty roleplay to my parents. I prevented that from happening and she get away with it. We broke up and I thought that I should revenge her, but soon I realised that won’t help anything and only make things worse and more complicated. It will not give any happiness. I worked hard to forgive and let go all the bad things to happen that doesn’t really need my attention so hard. If I would tear everything in my way to punish everybody for any inconsistencies and the things that made my life worse, what kind of sloppy villain I would be? There a few things that some people will not get away easily but those are for those who really need to feel the law and who actually put me or somebody else in serious danger - everything else is nah, it happens and it’s called life. And I still remember that I had to let go all the things and not to be the guy that remembers all the evils done. I’m actually happy that I has worked hard for that. And in such way that nobody can abuse this trait. And for such situation there must be a way too, that could not be as destructive as “solutions” such as revenge or putting stress into power abuse and that I can really maintain. Because it can only be cured by building ourselves as a better person in comparison to how we were now, before and what we could be in the future. And what Ciaran said are some ways to do it right.

I once said to one person from my family, son of my godmother to be exact, that I don’t want a woman because I want a pony. My family were asking about it for years and I had no other choice, they don’t accept answers like “I don’t want to because I don’t want to”, they were need to know reasons. I was at psychiatrist before that btw, but they didn’t help much with that, just said “better not tell them, this may lead to conflicts” and gave me recipe for some pills. Answer just like that I got from internet when asking about my situation.

He was shocked about that, said that he wasn’t know I’m zoophile, said that horses are bad because they can’t suck my dick (here’s probably my fault, because I don’t said that I’m into cartoon horses and not real, in fact I said directly opposite when he start something like “maybe it’s anime” I answered “no”, because I was very drunk and stressed, and I don’t really think MLP is anime) but finally he said that he only hate gays and it’s sorta kinda ok.
Next time he reminded me about our talk only after 10 months IIRC, he asked if I remember that, I answered that I do, then he said that it cannot be real and I was just kidding then. I don’t replied anything. And we never talked again about it since then.

I must say I much less stressed about my attraction to ponies after all that shit.

@Modera
What a strange weird story… But sounds too real. I can add only that there is no “previously addicted”. You can only do a recession for it and take it under control, that’s partially the reason why addicted to drugs sometimes after getting out soon get back to it. Maybe I will never get 100% out of it. That was never a question. But it’s good to know your experience, I may extract something useful out of it.

Thanks for sharing this.