>Hate being fat
>Hate having no means to get to a gym to lose the weight
>Hate lacking the self-control to say no to fast food
>Hate the way your fat is distributed around your stomach, ass, and thighs, making your entire body feel heavy and difficult to drag around.
>BMI says you’re at the “higher end” of a healthy weight, feel like a blimp
>Can’t bend forward properly because your stomach’s in the way
>Have to kneel down to pick this up and spend 5 seconds pushing yourself back onto your feet with your arms
>Try to starve for several days to compensate for lack of access to exercise but parent forces you to eat
>Feel like you have no control over your own body at all
>Unwanted thoughts of suicide because you feel like a trainwreck
>Fat gives you manboobs, but they’re to small to resemble real boobs
>Want to keep manboobs and make them large enough to resemble real boobs but also want to get rid of stomach fat
>Feel depressed because you probably can’t do both, but wouldn’t know because you can’t exercise to find out
>Hate the way your balloon stomach looks because it makes your physique look male when the rest of your body can’t decide
>Feel sluggish when you walk or move
>Feel weight on your knees
>Always tired
>Occasionally feel like you’re barely connected to your body at all and the world itself feels like a 2D photograph
>Unable to confide in parent because all conversations with her become extremely awkward and she’s a delusional addict herself
>Understand that you are 27 years old, have absolutely no way out of this situation, she will die when you are middle-aged and you won’t know what to do when she becomes incapacitated as a result of age, because you’re sheltered as fuck and can barely stay conscious let alone actually look after yourself
>Space out randomly, losing consciousness with eyes open, be permanently unable to drive as a result
>Did I mention always tired?
>Displaced aggression causes you to growl loudly in public when parental figure calls you every 20 minutes to check you haven’t been abducted by slave traffickers in the middle of a very small shopping centre
>Try to tell her crime is down across the board and society is the safest it’s ever been, get silent treatment because parent only cares about fear porn from rags like The Excess and Daily Heil
>Harbour universal displaced resentment as you fantasize about torturing people who look at you funny, permanently maiming them (usually through blinding) so you can feel empowered by your ability to impose yourself undeniably upon another person and make them a living trophy - a sort of living testament to your power.
>Understand how stupid this is and feel ashamed of yourself because you understand the futility and hypocrisy of being driven by circumstances outside of your control, to seek a false feeling of control over your life. Be aware that feeling powerful is fleeting, the constant fear and regret of having allowed yourself to be compelled for the sake of denying your fallibility is absurd and having permanently severed your ability to relate to any other person as an equal would completely destroy you as a person and contradict everything you actually want.
>Want to embrace your vulnerability but can’t cry enough.
>People on Discord love you and you feel better for a while. It’s nice to finally have someone you can relate to without being judged. Feel amazing.
>Have child-tracking app installed on your phone, consent to it because you’re in public and she won’t take no for an answer and you don’t want to embarrass the person working at the O2 shop because parent doesn’t understand technology
>Mother pulls out canned “My son has autism” to bully service personnel into providing special treatment, such as sitting outside a coffee shop 10 minutes from closing time so she can smoke
>Feel like token
>See multiple homeless people when out in public when you at least have some nice things and hobbies
>Feel simultaneously ungrateful and gaslit. Is this really so bad or am I just a spoiled selfish asshole?
>Climb to parking area on roof of buillding, consider jumping off when nobody’s looking
>Understand that you’ll probably just end up even more disabled because you researched this topic for years and two storeys is not high enough
>Feel simultaneously depressed and glad because it’s sad you’ve totally written yourself off but it’s also nice to be able to keep at least one thing secret
>Fantasize about provoking the Met Police to shoot you dead because, unlike you, they’re professionals
>Fantasize about creating a banner about some kind of cause, so that you can be seen as an attempted martyr if you decide to set yourself on fire
>Have recurring fantasy about setting yourself on fire
>Understand that if you do this, the physical pain will take over your mind and force you to lose control of your behaviour
>Suddenly become numb and start thinking about fire in an abstract, Jungian framework and forget about literally everything else apart from the awareness that this is happening, most likely as a result to dissasociate from your trainwreck of a life.
>Find this simultaneously hilarious and depressing because of the irony of losing control of your actions in an attempt to claim control of your destiny, but also because being unable to control your own body is your entire life up to this point and always will be.
>Understand that every other person is also just a product of prior conditions and are in the same boat as you
>Fail to be comforted by this because autism causes you to miss social cues and feel nothing
>Echolalia makes you blab out everything you’re thinking without a filter
>Be paranoid and permanently conscious of what you’re saying to avoid saying anything worrying
>”No, mum. I’m fine. I’m just tired”
>Feel unable to confide in mental health professionals because doing so is taking your liberty into your own hands, because they can arbitrarily have you committed with no due process whatsoever
>See dead pidgeon on pavement, be fascinated by how picturesque it is as its feathers ruffle in the soft breeze admist the perfectly placed bloodstains and the complete indifference of other pidgeons
>Feel grateful for entropy, knowing you will eventually escape the constraints of physicality yourself
>Panic because you worry your death and final moments will be painful and fear-stricken
>Want to take image of it to take home but parent is there and probably wouldn’t let you
>Be fascinated by how feminine the posture of a dead pidgeon is as opposed to a dead fox or something
>Feel dysphoric
