Alternate Endings and Deleted Scenes: Warp the show for fun and profit!

Sounds of Silence
 
Twilight: I can’t believe you two are going on a friendship quest!  
Fluttershy: you can’t? they’re pretty common.  
Applejack: Yeah. Besides, we’ve been on one before.  
Twilight: Exactly! Do you know what this means?  
Fluttershy: that honesty and kindness are versatile virtues?  
Twilight: No! That our writers are running out of ideas!  
Applejack: Think ya might be jumpin’ the…somethin’ on this a hair?  
Twilight: The expression is “jumping the gun” and if I thought that, I wouldn’t be freaking out, now would I!?  
Fluttershy: makes sense.  
Applejack: What the hay’s a ‘gun’?  
Twilight: I found out about them on the other side of the portal. Also about something far more frightening called ‘social media’. Ha ha, commentary! Anyway, it all fits! The reused team, the introduction of a new-new generation, the thing about the ninth season being the last!  
Fluttershy: but the person posting above said there might be a tenth.  
Twilight: There might be! 50/50! Even if they really are a former employee, those are still bad odds for whether or not we’ll continue to exist!  
Fluttershy: we’ll still live on in fan-works.  
Twilight: I’d rather face oblivion!!  
Applejack: Yyyeah, this over-reaction is real meta an’ all, but can we get to the mission, please? We’re kinda on the clock.  
Twilight: …..yes. yes, if we show that we’re still good, they won’t end us. They can’t end us if we’re still beloved and dong good! Ha ha ha haaa, yes, your mission! Peaks of Peril! There, you’re gonna find the kirin. Also, the nilbog, I mean, nirik. Go make them friends, won’t you? Ha haaaa, seriously, we’re still so very marketable!  
Applejack: It’s not a sign of the end, we’re just versatile!  
Fluttershy: wait, which mission did we go on before this?  
Applejack: …don’t really remember. Was it the Manehattan one?  
Fluttershy: that was you and rarity. i think it was the one with the hillbillies?  
Twilight: You and me. and we still have so many more wonderful adventures we can go on, i promise!!  
Applejack: Findin’ a pet?  
Fluttershy: that was rainbow and i, it wasn’t a mission and it was before the map.  
Applejack: _{ugh, this is gonna bother me all day..!}
 
(theme song)
 
(on the train)  
Fluttershy: all i’m saying is that it’s weird how rainbow dash had to find a substitute to go to las pegasus for a day, but two teachers can just take off whenever.  
Applejack: It’s a map mission. That’s a little more important than a roller coaster.  
Fluttershy: but she still had to address her class and we didn’t. isn’t that just a tiny bit odd?  
Applejack: All Ah know is that Ah’ve taught a class Rainbow didn’t, which means there’s gonna be a little somethin’ extra on my paycheck.  
Fluttershy: i’ve never gotten a paycheck for teaching.  
Applejack: yeah, me neither.
 
Fluttershy: y-y-you really startled us.  
creep: Sorry. I’m just not used to ponies takin’ the train to the end of the line. The final destination. The last stop. Their death. (pause) One too far?  
Applejack: More like three. Why?  
creep: Becaaaauuse. There’s nothing but unchaaarted terrain and wild beasties out there! Nua-ha ha ha ha ha! Nuwa-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Nnwah-ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa! Wuh-ha ha ha ha ha ha haa!  
Peter Venkman: It wasn’t that funny.  
Applejack: Do you even get anythin’ outta creepin’ poines out like this?  
creep: Like I said, nopony comes out this way and I’m so, so, so lonely. Being weird is all I’ve got left in my life. Well, the only thing I can say on this show. On an unrelated note, I dropped my contacts. Could you, er, look for them on the ground? You might have to look reeeeaaaal close to find them. Oh, and if you see a split-second of bright light and what sounds to the untrained ear like a camera…  
Applejack: We’re leavin’.  
Fluttershy: but he needed help.  
Applejack: he sure did. But not the kinda ‘help’ he was askin’ for.
 
Applejack: Fluttershy! What’re you doin’ here helpin’ out these squirrels, as is your wont!?  
Fluttershy: um…  
Applejack: C’mon, time’s a-wastin’!  
Futtershy: i have helpful information.  
Applejack: We don’t have time for you to be not gatherin’ helpful information!  
Fluttershy: but i did. i know how to get to the kirin village.  
Applejack: I bet messin’ around with those critters didn’t even help you find a way into the kirin village!  
Fluttershy: applejack…  
Applejack: Somethin’ about how you don’t remember my name or somethin’!  
Fluttershy: this seems familiar.  
Applejack: Nothin’ about this seems familiar!  
Fluttershy: …taco tuesday.  
Applejack: We don’t even…Tuesday was…no, wait, uh…when was taco…  
Fluttershy: are we done doing this bit now?  
Applejack: …yeah, let’s head to that shortcut.
 
Applejack: Can you understand Ponish?  
(Rain Shine nods)  
Fluttershy: Oooooooohh! But you don’t speak?  
(Rain Shine shakes her head)  
Applejack: Do you know what they’re sayin’? If so, please don’t stop explainin’.  
(Rain Shine shakes her head)  
Applejack: Why not? wait, don’t tell me… ‘cause it hurts?  
(Ran Shine nods to a slow tune)  
Applejack: So no talkin’ then. You don’t wanna or you can’t?  
(Rain Shine says nothing.)  
Applejack: …if y’all want me to have all your bits and claim your village in the name of Equestria, say nothin’.  
(Rain Shine shakes her head vigorously)  
Applejack: Hmm? You say somethin’? Goin’ once…goin’ twice…  
(Rain Shine shakes her head harder)  
Applejack: Well, in that case, Ah hereby declare this land “Applevania”! now git off’n mah properteh!
 
(Autumn Blaze calm-Pinkie’s it up)
 
Applejack: Fluttershy! Guess what!  
Applejack/Fluttershy: I figured out the friendship problem! Me, too! Go ahead! Ha ha ha ha.  
Applejack: Bet that’s a problem the Kirin never have.  
Fluttershy: hee-hee, no.  
Applejack: Anyhow, we gotta get ‘em all talkin’ again.  
Fluttershy: oh, no-no-no-no-no! we can’t ever let that happen!  
Applejack: Ah thought you said you figured out the friendship problem. Was somethin’ lost in translation?  
Fluttershy: probably, but listen. remember how twilight called the nirik ‘nilbog’ before we left?  
Applejack: Ah recall that bein’ a part of her ramblin’s, yes.  
Fluttershy: well, ‘nilbog’ is ‘goblin’ backward! and that was a reference to troll 2! Which means the nirik are the kirin!  
Applejack: When did you see Troll 2?  
Fluttershy: i don’t know. when did autumn read variety magazine? Or see phantom of the opera?  
Applejack: Right!? What was up with that? Didn’t make a lick’a sense.  
Fluttershy: well, neither do flying ponies (Chrysalis’ voice) so, welcome to the asylum!
 
(Autumn Blaze calm Pinkie’s it up some more, then makes a fire that looks like super Saiyan blue-Kaio-ken aura)
 
Rain Shine: Hey, Autumn, thanks for hookin’ us up with talkin’ again. Oh, and for getting us out of writing things, like we could have been doing this whole time. Whoops. You did us a for real solid, you know th-  
Applejack: EPISODE DONE!

@lasty  

 
In all fairness, the point of a vow of silence is to inhibit communication, plus I doubt they had much scrap paper left after the village burnt down.

Father Knows Beast
 
(Spike is flying)  
Spike: Woo-hoo! Twilight, watch me!  
Twilight: I am! You’re doing great, Spike!  
Spike: …oh. I kinda thought you’d be pre-occupied with writing notes or something.  
Twiight: Nope, I’m in about three-fifths mama-Twi mode!  
Spike: Three-fifths? Isn’t this all the way?  
Twilight: You’ll know when it’s all the way.  
(crashes!)  
Twilight: Sorry I’m not a better flying teacher. I’d be a better one, if I knew how, I promise.  
Smolder: Have ya considered replacing your feathers with skin or something?  
Twilight: But then they’d be a whole different type of wing, altogether. Almost like the wings of a bat or a flying squirrel or drago-ooooooooooh. I don’t suppose you’d be willing to teach Spike how to fly?  
Smolder: Maybe. But it’ll cost ya: All my friends pass our finals and I get shipped with Spike.  
Twilight: You pass a non-finals quiz and friend -shipping.  
Smolder: All my friends and crush.  
Twilight: All but one friend and big sister.  
Smolder: Done. _{sucker, ocellus wouldn’t have wanted to pass like that, anyway.} Let’s get started, bro.  
(Spike’s learnin’ to fly. ♪ ^♪ ♪ _♪ ♪ With his dragon wings. ♪ ^♪ ♪ _♪ ♪ )  
(later)  
Twilight: Spike! You can jump!?  
Spike: No. Fly good.  
(Fan Proxy looks expectantly at Scootaloo)  
Scootaloo: We already did this, I’m not mad that Spike can fly!  
Smolder: (ignoring Scoots and Proxy) Yeah, I just needed to teach him how to dragon. Y’know, the thing you can’t, ever. Even if it might be what he needs. ‘Cause you’re not a dragon. But he is. It makes you different.  
Twilight: aaaw…  
Smolder: What? Didn’t mean to make ya feel bad.  
Spike: It kinda sounded like you meant to make her feel bad.
 
Twilight: Spike? Can I come in?  
Spike: uh-huh…  
(she does)  
Twilight: I’m sorry I couldn’t teach you how to fly. I was actually looking forward to doing it, ever since you got your wings. Kind of like when I showed you how to read and write and ride a bicycle and alphabetize things. You know how much I like to pass on knowledge. Especially to my…assistant. heh-heh.  
Spike: uh-huh…  
Twilight: I’m doing the best I can for you, really. I hope you know that, and that…that I lov-  
Spike: Think Smolder will like this pillow?  
Twilight: I know she will. But remember, if she makes fun of you for how you show appreciation, she’s not a true friend.
 
(theme song)
 
Spike: It’s a pillow, but not for your head. Well, it could be. It’s a throw-pillow! They’re more casual, you can use ‘em anywhere!  
Smolder: How did you learn how to sew?  
Spike: Watching Rarity. A lot.  
Smolder: …there’s a couple awkward questions I’m thinking of, but I kinda don’t wanna ask. if only something would come along and distract from the situation…  
(incoming fireball)  
Smolder: _{oh, thank tiamat.} I mean, oh my gosh, a fiery comet!  
Spike: Oh, no, Celestia must have cast Meteo again!  
(Sludge crashes. a single pony eventually strolls by where this happened, because in Ponyville, this isn’t a big deal)  
Spike: Cool, the planet is still intact. We’re not always that lucky. Also, who’re you?  
Sludge: I’m Sludge. I’m a jerk.  
Spike: Wanna come home with me?  
Sludge: No! (hurt) …yes.  
Spike: Good, you’re willing to come. One less kidnapping charge on my record. (Sludge raises an eyebrow) Ha ha, I’m just kidding. Twilight had our criminal records destroyed years ago.
 
Applejack: It doesn’t look like yer in much shape to do anything. Which is why Ah’m gonna put you on a treadmill durin’ your recovery montage.
 
(Pinkie wheels a dessert cart down the hall, Sludge pursues, several viewers make a ‘swiggity swooty’ joke about it)
 
Spike: I was orphaned as an egg, so they’re more than my friends… (the mane six minus Twilight raise their eyebrows) They’re my family.  
Pinkie, Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity: Oooohh.  
Applejack: thought he was gonna say ‘friends with benefits’.  
Twilight: It’s true, we’re much closer than we are with most of our other friends. In fact, there are times when I actually think of Spike as my s-  
Sludge: I’m your father.  
(gasps)  
Y.K. Kim: I didden know you haddau fathur. I thought we ah all or’pens.  
Sludge: And this is my acquaintance, dr. Henry McCoy.  
Dr. McCoy: Salutations.  
(confusion)  
Sludge: L-like the episode title? ‘Father Knows Beast’?  
Shining Armor: It’s an X-Men joke! (he and Beast leave)  
Rainbow: …so, a dad, huh?  
Pinkie: But whose father are you!?  
(beat)  
Sludge: …Spike’s.  
Pinkie: Oh. Makes sense!  
Sludge: I’m so glad I found you, finally! I’ve searched everywhere.  
Spike: Did you check the Crystal Empire? I’m kind of a big deal there.  
Applejack: …really? Yer bringin’ that up now?  
(Fan Proxy looks expectantly at Scootaloo again)  
Scootlaoo: What?  
Fan: Sure is weird, huh? Spike having a living parent and all?  
Scootaloo: That’s just a head-canon!  
Fan: Oh, so your parents alive after all?  
Scootaloo: …
 
Spike: I can’t believe it. I have so many questions.  
Sludge: Shoot.  
Spike: well, i guess the biggest one would be…why was I an orphaned egg?  
Sludge: Guh! I didn’t expect this question, for some reason! Ask a different one.  
Spike: Oh, well, my second biggest question is…was my mom someone the scalies could call their waifu?  
Twilight: Spike, scalies are a different thing than furries, I’ve told you that a thousand… oh. you meant your biological mom.  
Sludge: She was super-hot and really real. She was just so…look-at-able.
 
Sludge: ♪’Cause this dragon just can’t wait to live heeeere.♪ heh heh heh heh. I’m a master of subtlety.
 
(Twilight acts like an open robe means anything. she also thinks i didn’t see her being a pecker-checker sort of, but i did. that kid who looked at Mac’s wiener in that episode of Foster’s would be proud)
 
Twilight: Are you sure you want Sludge to be your role model?  
Spike: Sure. He’s a dragon, isn’t he?  
Twlight: Well, yes…  
Spike: Well, there ya go.  
Twilight: I’m just saying that if all you need is a dragon, maybe we could see if Ember could give you some…cultural tutoring. It’d probably cost me a wall, but if it’s what you need to be happy, I’ll gladly part with one. Or all of them.  
Spike: Of course, you would. Because that’s how ponies are. But not dragons.  
Twilight: It’s not how you are, either. unless you get multiple presents. Maybe you don’t need to be just like Sludge. And maybe, it’s okay to take after ponies a little. ponies…like me?  
Spike: You’re not my bucking mother!  
(Twilight’s heartbone breaks. …wait, her what?)  
Twilight: oh. i see. You’re right. I’m only the mare who hatched you, raised you, taught you everything. Suffered and worked her hooves to the nub for you. Why would you possibly consider me a parent to you? Go. Go and be with your deadbeat, loser father who only showed up a couple days ago. He’s clearly more a family to you than I am. I’ll just be here, in the dark, drafty library. Waiting to die. …also, you watch your language, young man! I will wash your mouth out with soap, so help me!
 
Smolder: ♫Keep on, keep on, keep on, eeehyooooo I’m skipping stones!♫  
(Spike comes out of a bush)  
Smolder: What happened to you?  
Spike: Abuse and/or neglect metaphor. What are you doing out here?  
Smolder: Making references nobody would get without being linked to them. Probably not even then. Who’s abusing you?  
Spike: Sludge. You know, like dragons do.  
Smolder: No, they don’t.  
Spike: Really?  
Smolder: No, we frown on that pretty hard. Actually, the only instance of abuse I’ve seen was from Diamond Tiara’s mom and even that seems like it’s gotten better.  
Spike: How do you know about that?  
Smolder: We’re friends. (Spike looks confused) Dude, most of the assignments at the school are basically ‘go try to make a friend’. It’s not that weird that I’d try to befriend the girl who wears dragon-snacks on her head.  
Spike: …oh, yeah, I guess she does. Never noticed that. P-probably because I wasn’t raised by a dragon?  
Smolder: Spike, just stop. Look, I can tell you like the idea of having a dad. But do you really want one bad enough that you’ll take someone like Sludge?  
Spike: uuuh…no, let’s go get rid of him.
 
Spike: Hey, Sludge.  
Sludge: Yeah?  
Spike: Back child support payments.  
Sludge: Why do you keep callin’ me ‘dad’, I’m not your father, that’s still a mystery, no lasting development on history for you, bye! (he leaves)  
Smolder: Go on. Say it.  
Spike: Say what?  
Smolder: What every cell in your body is crying out to say.  
Spike: Oh, that. (he leans out the window) You’re not my real dad!! ooo, that felt sweet, for some reason.  
Smolder: Welcome to being a pre-teen.
 
Twilight: Oh. Hi, Spike. Come to see if I’m dead or ready to be put in the home yet? You never appreciated all I do for you, you little urchin!  
Spike: No, I…just found out sludge wasn’t really my dad.  
Twilight: Oh, Spike, I’m so sorry! (she hugs him) Are you okay!? Do you need some juice!? Did you get into that school you wanted!? By which I mean my school. ooh, i’m sorry i said what i did, i-i was just afraid that if you grew attached, he would leave and hurt you. i never wanted that for you. but i really wanted to be wrong about him. so you could have something you thought you needed. but of course, he wasn’t your father. someone like him couldn’t possibly have created someone as wonderful as you.  
Spike: doubts you probably could have brought up earlier.  
Twilight: i wanted you to have a dad, spike. but with work and adventures and other work and fans losing their [yay!] over others showing romantic interest in me..!  
Spike: It’s okay. Because…i know i’ll always have one really good parent.  
(hug better)  
Twilight: it’s me, right?  
Spike: yeah. this is all-the-way mama-twi mode, isn’t it?  
Twilight: yeah.  
Spike: heh-heh. _{i knew it.} (beat) do you think your mom would mind if i called her ‘grandma’?  
Twilight: hee-hee. not at all.  
Spike: …what about ‘gilf’?  
Twilight: i don’t know what that is, but it sounds like it’s about to ruin the moment we’re having.
 
 
@Scrounge  
uuuhhh, y-yeah, I was just about to type that, it’s just, er, A-Applejack ended the episode so abruptly so I didn’t get the, uh…the chance. To. uh, darn you, Applejack, you’re so…impatient. You’re the worst. _{no, you aren’t, i adore you, aj.}

@lasty  
Thanks for the laughs, this was hilarious. Spike’s comment about kidnapping and the ‘back child support’ line were great. Seriously, if they ever redo My Little Pony for Adult Swim, they need to have you write the dialogue.

FATHER KNOWS BEAST  
DELETED SCENE
 
smolder: why are you putting up with him, spike?!  
spike: what do you mean?  
smolder: he’s making you wait on him hand and foot, treating you like a slave, completely disregarding your needs, and humiliating you every step of the way!  
spike: …  
smolder: …what?  
spike: so… like twilight, basically?  
smolder: y-you mean…  
spike: he doesn’t strike me for getting out of line so this is a step up for me, actually.

School Raze, part 1
 
Cozy: ♪doo-d’doo-doo, i love not bein’ evil.♪ Need some help, ponies I encounter while walking around? Well, here ya go! You can tell I’m good and sincere by how I unironically talk like a child from the 40’s! (she enters Twilight’s office) I did some nice things for you, headmare Twilight!  
Twilight: I wasn’t looking at porno during school hours!! Wait, what time is it?  
Cozy: Well, gee whiz, headmare Twilight. It’s time for you to relax. Professor miss Rainbow Dash filled in for you for that field trip to Cloudsdale.  
Twilight: Oh. Thanks, Cozy Glow. You so non-evil!  
Cozy: Darn tootin’!
 
(Starlight shivers)  
Ocellus: What’s wrong?  
Starlight: I don’t know, I just got this odd feeling that I wasn’t mentioned in a conversation where I probably should have been.  
Ocellus: That’s specific.  
Gallus: Hey, Yona, come take a look at this. Unless you’re too scared.  
Yona: Griffon’s mom scared! (she falls through the cloud) Also, yak now scared, in a addition to griffon’s moooooooom!  
Starlight: I, too, am falling to my doom!  
everyone: Gasp!! Do it, Rockapella!
 
(intro. Let’s say it finally is the Rockapella version)
 
Ocellus: That was Rockapella? I thought they were someone completely different.  
Smolder: Really?  
Ocellus: Isn’t Rockapella that band who does that cover of “I Wanna Be Sedated”?  
Smolder: You’re thinking of A ca-Punk-la.  
Ocellus: nnno, they also did a cover of “One More Time”.  
Smolder: That’s Daft capella.  
Ocellus: …ooooh, I got stuck on the ‘punk’ part. So, are we gonna save our friends and guidance counselor now?  
Gallus: After what Yona said about my mother!?  
Smolder: You said you didn’t have a mother.  
Gallus: Well, yeah, but she still…  
( _CRASH!!! )  
Gallus: …we did all we could.  
Ocellus: Hardly! We didn’t do…  
Gallus: We did! …all we could.  
Yona: _{yak wondering why professor dash no catch us.}  
Rainbow: I, uh, thought my wings were failing. (winks at the other flyers)
 
Starlight: My magic just failed! It’s never done that before.  
Rainbow: _{insert impotence joke here.}  
Twilight: Maybe you just did the spell wrong.  
(silence. cold, deathly silence)  
Twilight: …what?  
Starlight: how dare you say that to me?  
Rarity: I had to use my hooves to coif my taaaaaaiiiil!  
Starlight: ‘Coif’?  
Spike: It means to style one’s hair.  
Starlight: Oh, it’s one of those needlessly fancy words Rarity likes using. Like how ponies use big words to sound smart, she uses these to sound more fancy.  
Spike: That’s…not untrue.  
Rarity: seriously, why does lasty write about me this way?  
Twilight: Magic can’t just disappear!  
Rainbow: Really? Out of all the crazy crap you’ve seen and done, a mass-failure of magic is what you just can’t wrap your head around? You know Discord! How do you even say the word “can’t” with a straight face anymore!?  
Cozy: You also know Tirek, the centaur who’s half-horse and half some other creature who ate all the magic in Equestria a couple years or weeks back. er, not that I’d know anything about him, boy howdy. wait, is it more or less suspicious if i haven’t heard of him?  
Spike: More. Far, far mo-(fire belch) It says we have to go see Celestia in Canterlot!!  
(Luna shivers)
 
Celestia: Starswirl says magic is boned in three days! Boned… for reals!  
Pinkie: That’s some serious bonin’!  
Cadance: The Crystal Heart still works, for now! So whatever’s doing this isn’t as strong as Flurry Heart. But still!  
Luna: I fear unicorn magic all across Equestria is already gone.  
Twilight: That can’t be! Without magic, how will we explain inconsistencies!?  
Rarity: What inconsistencies?  
Twilight: None in particular. Your tail looks nice, by the way.  
Rarity: Why thank you, dar-…ah.  
Twilight: The small child I have running things I can’t be bothered with said it might be Tirek. (everyone looks at Spike) No, the new one. The one who talks all old-timey.  
Luna: Forsooth, tis truly a most ignoble tongue which speaketh without of one’s own tyme.  
Twilight: Word. Has anypony reported seeing Tirek walking around? Big guy, eats magic, doesn’t think much of his brother?  
Luna: No, but he might be using stealth to delay his discovery and capture.  
Rainbow: Oh yeah. Tirek: master of the subtle approach.  
Celestia: Oh, go to Tartarus! …and see if he’s there. And if he isn’t…well, that would be pretty bad for us, now, wouldn’t it?  
Twilight: Probably, yeah.
 
Cozy: I marked whose sandwich is whose. _{it takes a lot less tranquilizer to put fluttershy down than applejack.} (beat) _{forget i said that.}  
Starlight: As much as I love a good tranquilizer and Swiss, I’m staying behind to run the school.  
Cozy: …oh. b-b-but that ruins all my plans. My non-evil plans, I mean. Do the twist! (Twist stirs in her eternal sleep)  
Spike: She’ll be fine. Once you’ve handled Discord, everything else is…  
Fan Proxy: He’s touching her hoof!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Cozpike is canon, you stupid idiots!!  
Spike: …a piece of cake.
 
Cozy: By gum, Starlight left me in charge of the whole school! Isn’t that keen?  
Smolder: What about Starlight?  
Cozy: She’s not buried beneath the school, if that’s what you’re implying.  
Smolder: It…wasn’t, but now I’m kinda thinking it should have been.  
Cozy: No, it shouldn’t, who wants ice cream!?  
everyone who doesn’t matter: Yay!
 
Twilight: And now to use this special key Cozy packed into our bags that it couldn’t have fit inside.  
(door opens, cockatrice appears)  
Rarity: Aaa! Tartarus is guarded by jump-scares!  
Fluttershy: _{i knew it. heck really is just a real-life game of five nights at freddy’s.}  
Pinkie: How come we’re not stone?  
Twilight: I think the cockatrice lost its magic, too.  
Applejack: Wait, were you just disappointed to not be petrified?  
Pinkie: I’m going through one of my ‘jealous that Maud is spending more time with Mud Briar than me’ moods and I thought becoming a rock would give me an edge.  
Applejack: Well, Ah guess you’ll feel really let down that none’a these monsters look able to hurt us.  
Spike: I know I should feel safer, but it just makes me sad. Ever since I became a pre-teen, dying has started to feel pretty cool.  
Tirek: I’ve heard rave reviews about it from all the creatures I’ve helped experience it.  
Twilight: Tirek!  
Tirek: Well, well, if it isn’t the princess and her friends. Come to gloat about your (scoff) hard-won victory over me? Turning those keys must have taken so much out of you.  
Twilight: Where’s all the magic at!?  
Tirek: Have you misplaced it? Why, I had no idea. Oh, wait, I did. How could I not, given the part I played in it?  
Rainbow: Which was?  
Tirek: The part of a teacher. Just like the six of you, I hear. Only instead of teaching something as important as not eating all the cupcakes, I’m afraid I merely taught my student how to steal magic from a world.  
Rarity: Return it immediately!  
Tirek: Not doing much to dispel the ‘hot but dumb’ stereotype, are you? If I had the magic, I’d be free. Larger. Running roughshod over your nation. You know, like last time. And trust me, I’m not above repeating my “destroy Twilight Sparkle’s home” trick. No, no, the magic is going someplace else.  
Applejack: So you don’t even get anythin’ out of this? What’s the point?  
Tirek: I get plenty out of it. I get the knowledge that the magic of Equestria is dead, and everypony felt its dying gasps. That even if ponies are alive, they’re living in misery. That’s going to keep me warm on many cold nights. But most of all, I get to show you how it feels to be rendered utterly and completely drained of your magic and trapped forever in the dark with nothing but the breathing of monsters and your own madness for company. Worth every message.  
Rainbow: Every message to who!?  
Tirek: …you’re joking, right?
 
(Cozy Glow enters Twilight’s office)  
Neighsay: Where is headmare Twilight?  
Cozy: Gasp! Chancellor Racism!  
Neighsay: why does everypony call me that? Who are you?  
Cozy: I’m headmare in Twilight’s absence! And a darn peachy one, I’d like to think!  
Neighsay: She left a child to run the… that’s a terrible decision! I’m not even 100% sure it’s legal! At least Twilight had some leadership and managerial experience, but this! I’m taking over this school!  
Cozy: You could do that. Or, you could chain up the students listening in on us.  
Neighsay: That’s barbaric, I would never..!  
Cozy: They’re not ponies _{for the most part.}  
Neighsay: CHAAAAAIIINS!!
 
Cozy: I had plans from the start to become the Empress of Friendship! And now that everyone who could stop me is imprisoned, that’s just what I’m gonna do! …boop-boop-be-do.
 
School Raze part 2
 
Twilight: I can’t believe Cozy Glow is behind all this!  
Tirek: That’s sad. I thought you were the smart one. Or at least, the less-stupid one.  
Applejack: Now, don’t you fret, Twilight. Remember when Starlight beat all the changelings without magic?  
Twilight: But she had Trixie and Thorax with her, then. And Discord!  
Applejack: Exactly! Even with a magic-less Discord weighin’ her down, she still got the job done!  
Twilight: Even so, I still want to get out of here, and we need magic to do that. But it’s gone! unless… let’s play doG!  
everyone: …what?
 
Cozy: Hey! It would sure be swell if you put me back in charge!  
Neighsay: No.  
Cozy: You heard him, everyone. He admitted he hates Twilight and by extension, all of you. 23-skidoo!  
Neighsay: That’s not even close to what I-ARGH, I’m being carried to imprisonment!
 
Apple Bloom: Hey, Cozy. Can we walk with ya?  
Sweetie Belle: Help out in any way?  
Scootaloo: Help fight the season finale villain in a meaningful way?  
Cozy: Nope, no sir and…(locks them in the closet) no.  
Scootaloo: aww…  
Apple Bloom: ah thought this was gonna be our time t’shine.  
Sweetie Belle: Just wait ‘til next year!!
 
Neighsay: ugh. I suppose you’ve all come to gloat?  
Silverstream: Actually, we came to free you!  
Smolder: I’m here to gloat. Nice chains, chancellor Racism!  
Neighsay: why?  
Yona: Now that racist pony meet pony who has other kind of bad in her, racist pony cured. (picks the lock)  
Neighsay: That’s not at all how that…I mean, yes! No more racism for me, ever. Now, with the last of the magic in Equestria, I’m going to get the princesses and tell them what’s going on here. Or maybe I’ll go to Manehattan for some pizza. …no, to the princesses. (he thinks with portals)  
Ocellus: I hope he’s alright.  
Smolder: I hope he doesn’t come back and chain us up.  
Gallus: I hope that portal closes before he gets out, stranding him between dimensions forever. …what? Guy’s a jerk.
 
Spike: What about Tirek? He’s got some magic in him, too, right?  
PInkie: I’ve got a plan. Hey, give us magic!  
Tirek: No.  
Pinkie: Give iiit.  
Tirek: No.  
Pinkie: Okay. Then we’ll just all sing the catchiest songs we know. Have you ever had earworms overlapping in your head? it’s maddening.  
Tirek: …don’t you dare.  
Pinkie: ♪This is the song that doesn’t eeeend…♪  
Twilight: ♪I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves…♪  
Fluttershy: ♪dance like you know you can, unh! like you know you can.♪  
Rainbow: I’ve never heard that song.  
Fluttershy: it’s a song from another world. discord taught me!  
Fan Proxy: _{because he loves you! eeeeeeee!}  
Fluttershy: you keep thinkin’ that, buddy.  
Tirek: Oh, no, I am undone! The only thing left is for all of you to get within arm’s reach of me so I can present you with your victory strangles!  
Pinkie: Whoo, victory strangles! …wait, that’s bad. ♪Yes, it goes on and on, my friend!♪  
Tirek: Fine! Here!  
(Twilight unmakes the monsters)  
Rarity: Ooooh, playing doG, because it’s playing God in reverse!  
(they leave Tartarus)
 
Gallus: …what? So I paid attention in class.  
Ocellus: Quit stealing my thing!  
Sandbar: So, how are we gonna get these things out without getting grabbed?  
(Yona picks up a stick and moves one of the artifacts out of the circle. the magic-absorbing spell flickers and ends. Starlight drops unharmed on the floor)  
Cozy: Nooooo, my plans are ruined!  
Celestia: And now that we have magic, you’re under arrest. Hell-arrest!  
(the mane seven teleport in)  
Twilight: We’re fine, too!  
(the magic returns to the creatures in Tartarus)  
Bugbear: No! We were free of our body-mates! Why!? What sort of cruel alicorn would taunt us with the freedom for which we’ve longed, only to rob us of it within a few minutes!?  
Apple Bloom: And the three of us came out of the closet! (students snicker) …what?  
Ocellus: Who knew all it would take to restore magic to the world was something as simple as poking things with a stick?  
Smolder: Our good friend Yona knew!  
Yona: Say it.  
Sandbar: Say what?  
(Yona wiggles her eyebrows)  
Gallus: (sigh) Yak method best.  
Yona: Yay, yak supremacy, vindicated! Now professor Rockhoof will have to like Yona!  
Smolder: Where were those guys during all this, anyway?  
Starswirl: Somnambula, I’ve told you a hundred times. Without magic, this is the only way! Now, on three, we all kick the stool out from under the pony to our left. One…t-two…thr- (magic comes back) Oh. Nevermind.
 
Celestia: I hope this has taught you the value of not being a big racism-face.  
Neighsay: You know, the changeling hive did attack Equestria unprovoked in recent memory. Twice.  
Celestia: Yes, but they’re colorful now.  
Neighsay: And we did come dangerously close to a war with the dragons, which was only avoided because of Spike’s pony-like nature.  
Celestia: Yes, but their leader is just tsundere instead of a war-monger.  
Neighsay: And griffons did allow their homeland to fall into disrepair and only started to care about it because of pony influence.  
Celestia: Yes, but Gabby was so adorable.  
Neighsay: And the hippogriffs…are fine, actually, I don’t have a problem with them. But with all their talk of being best, the yaks are clearly just as racist as others think I am.  
Celestia: Yes, but they express it as “we’re better”, not “others are worse”.  
Neighsay: Doesn’t one strongly imply the other?  
Celestia: By royal decree, no, they don’t. On the grounds that Yona is cute and you’re not.  
Neighsay: …why must you hurt me so?

@lasty  
This was pretty good. I especially like that closing bit with Neighsay and Tirek’s dialogue.

Best Gift Ever
 
(catchy opening song. someone gets upset because ponies mention making something great and they associate that with that one guy with the red hats)  
triggered person: ooooo..!  
show’s visuals: Remember Christmas movies? Remember Christmas movies? Stop dancing. Remember Christmas movies? Stop dancing! Remember Christmas movies? Remember Christmas movies?  
Al Pacino: Say hello to my chocolate blend!
 
Twilight: Three of these…four of those…ten of those, heh, just in case.  
Applejack: Ooh, traditional holiday shopliftin’ spree?  
Spike: She’s not a criminal, she just get too excited to leave money sometimes. Please don’t tell the police!  
Rainbow: The closest cop is in Canterlot and Celestia’s made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want Twilight hassled. Something about it throwing centuries of planning down the drain or something. I think she did, I don’t know, there was a mirror I had to flex my wings in front of, so I wasn’t really listening.  
Applejack: Hey, Twilight. How’s yer day goin’?  
Twilight: It’s an important event and I’m Twilight Sparkle! There’s only two ways it could be going and neither of them is good!  
Applejack: Listen t’me, Twi. First off, it’s ‘neither of them aaaare good’.  
Twilight: The day I get corrected on grammar by a bumpkin like..!! I mean, go on.  
Applejack: Second, Ah need ya to look up at me with my half-lidded eyes for a sec’ so folks can grab a screencap of it an’ add a suggestive caption to it later. (pause) Good. Now, take a breath, but do th’ second part slllloooow.  
Twilight: hooooooooo. Okay, I think I’m good.  
Applejack: Gooood. Now, what if, instead’a everypony buyin’ for everypony, we do Hearth’s Warmin’ Helper?  
Fluttershy: what is ‘hearth’s warming helper’?  
a white glove, come to life!: It makes a delicious meal for the whole family! Just add a pound of lean Hearth’s Warming to the included pasta and seasonings! Whatever my catch-phrase was!  
Applejack: uh…huh, whenever th’ whole family would get together, it didn’t make sense t’buy ‘em all presents. So instead, we put everypony’s name in a hat…  
Pinkie: Oo, random things!  
Applejack: …an’ everyone picked one, but didn’t say who they got.  
Pinkie: A dash of mystery!  
Pinkie/the big bug from Family Guy: Good…good…  
Applejack: An’ then ya buy for whoever ya drew!  
Rarity: This sounds remarkably similar to being cheap.  
Applejack: Yeah, you’d think so. But the difference is, shut up.  
Twilight: If it breaks my Hearth’s Warming heart-attack streak, I’m in. The doctor says if I have one more, I won’t need to worry about holidays ever again. Which sounded relaxing, until I realized it was a euphemism for me dying.  
Fluttershy: i don’t know about this…  
Twilight: As Princess of Friendship, I decree you all in.  
all: yay…  
Spike: And I still have a crush on Rarity!
 
Limestone: Who would say they’re the best at gift-giving? That’s ridiculous. And kinda arrogant and jerk-like.  
Pinkie: What kind of arrogant jerks would call themselves the best at something that’s about the recipient and not about them?  
Marble: (speak-tease)  
Pinkie: You’re a genius, Marble! The yaks would! Yak-weeb, away!!  
lasty: uuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!
 
Rarity: There’s a fabulous designer in Manehattan, Fedora Fel-  
people: Fedoras!? Those hats are literally Hoofler for some reason! One time, someone wore one while being cringy or something, boooooooo! Boooo, to a style of hat, booo!!  
Rarity: …Felt and I wanted to, um…  
Spike: Buy a hat from them?  
Rarity: Yes, that.  
Spike: So, er, uh, blush, you didn’t happen to draw yourself, did you?  
Rarity: Whatever makes you think that?  
Spike: I dunno, you seem like you might buy yourself a Hearth’s Warming present.  
Rarity: No! …well, yes, but I assure you that this chapeau will adorn the lucky head of another pony. Buuuut, did you happen to find out who did draw my name? Or my cutie mark or whatever?  
Spike: No, but not for lack of effort.
 
Spike: Hey, Fluttershy. Looking for a present for your random recipient?  
Fluttershy: oh, yes. she loves shiny things.  
Spike: ISITRARITY!?!!  
Fluttershy: um, yes. how did you know?  
Spike: Gimme Rarity!!  
Fluttershy: oh, but i was looking forward to getting her something really nice.  
Spike: I know this sounds crazy, but my whole future depends on that slip of paper. I’ll give you double what you paid for it.  
Fluttershy: but if you double nothing, that’s still nothing.  
Spike: Alright, I’ll give you fifty bits. Now, you can’t turn down 50 bits for one little slip of paper!  
Fluttershy: but…Rarity…  
(Spike grabs the paper, Fluttershy tries to hang onto it)  
Spike: Gimme that paper!  
Fluttershy: _{help! someone help!}  
Spike: Shut up, ya old bag! (he grabs the paper and runs off)  
Applejack: What was that about?  
Fluttershy: oh no, do you want to “trade” names, too?  
Applejack: Whaaaat? Noooo! I just wanted to ask if you knew what Ah should get Starlight.
 
Discord: Hello, Rainbow Dash. I like Fluttershy! A bunch! Platonically!  
Rainbow: Oh my Celestia, get a second friend!!  
Discord: How about you?  
Rainbow: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh…  
Discord: Fine. But I only tell friends what Fluttershy likes.  
Rainbow: And what’ll you tell me?  
Discord: Oh, totally something helpful for realsies! honest…
 
(Spike considers getting Rarity a dick in a box, but worries someone might report one of them for something about minors and exposure.)
 
Pinkie: ‘y li’s are sealed!  
rutherford: Pink Pony horrifying.
 
Derpy Muffins: Oh, hi, Rarity. I’m talking a little slowly today. Don’t worry about it. How can I help you? (pratfall)  
Rarity: I ordered a package…  
Berry Punch: Yeah, I bet you wanted a package!  
Rarity: Hey! I may have made eyes at a cat-person, a filthy pirate, a hick, non-evil Sombra and a deer, I think, but I am not some tart! Anyway, I was wondering where that, er, parcel might be?  
Derpy Muffins: Oh, okay. Name?  
Rarity: um, Rarity?  
Muffins: Last name? (pratfall)  
Rarity: None. Despite what some might tell you, there is no ‘Belle’ in my name.  
Muffins: But your sister…  
Rarity: Not all sisters have the same second name, darling.  
Muffins: …Celestia and Luna do.  
Rarity: Really? What is it?  
Muffins: They don’t have one.  
Rarity: of course. Anyway, the parcel?  
Muffins: It’s elsewhere. (pratfall)  
Rarity: Would you be a bit more specific?  
Muffins: Sure, I’ll give out addresses of ponies who got packages!  
Rarity: good lord, you’re adorable.
 
Butternut: Pistachio said whoever sent it just got him.  
Rarity: And, could I perhaps speak with Pistachio for a moment? oo, where is he?  
Pistachio: ♪In the Navy! Come on, protect the motherland! ♪ In the Navy! Come on and join your fellow man!♪  
Butternut: Doesn’t he have the loveliest singing voice? And he’s singlllle…  
Pistachio: I live on a farm miles from anyone but my parents, of course, I’m single.  
(later)  
Pistachio: My parents have no idea we just had lunch with one of the most famous ponies in Equestria!  
Rarity: Oh, that’s very sweet, but I had a lot of help with all of those adventu-  
Pistachio: Your clothes are the bee’s knees!  
Rarity: nopony ever fawns over the heroism. See that hat? Keep that hat.  
Pistachio: Oh, thank Celestia! Because I did not wanna give this up!  
Rarity: Oh, think nothing of it. But if I hear you call yourself a nobody again…  
Pistachio: Ha ha, I know, you’ll give my cheeks such a pinch, right?  
Rarity: Ha ha, no. I’m going to snap your bucking neck and bury your carcass in Discord’s chemical toilet.  
Pistsacio: Wh-what?  
Rarity: I have no patience for low self-esteem. Love yourself!  
Pistachio: Y-yes ma’am!  
Rarity: Good. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be off.  
Pistachio: I won’t forget this! or your chilling threat. But mostly the gift! (he trots back to the farm. Rarity swears she hears “♪I know what boys want! I know what guys like!♪” from somewhere as he goes)
 
Rainbow: What is that!?  
Twilight: What is that!?  
Rainbow: Discord told me to get Fluttershy a monster!  
Twilight: Flurry Heart added stuff to my pudding and I don’t know what!  
Rainbow: Fucking Flurry Heart!  
Twilight: Fucking Discord!  
Discord: We’re a baby and spirit of chaos, what do you expect from us?  
(winter-chilla sees sparkly Spike)  
Twilight: Oh, you want this? (she waves Spike in front of the monster’s mouth) Come and get it!  
Spike: Remember a few weeks ago when Twilight cared for me like a son? I miss that.  
Cadance: Did you see that stunt your daddy just pulled, Flurry? That’s what mommy’s gonna be thinking about when your new little brother or sister gets made!  
Flurry Heart: a-bah-bah mawital wuv-makih.  
(the monster goes after a non-living, highly replaceable ball)  
Twilight: No, not that sparkly! This one, the one that might die!  
Spike: love you, too, twilight.
 
Rainbow: You mean you tricked me into putting my friends in danger just to make Fluttershy feel good for a few minutes, assuming none of us got hurt or killed!?  
Discord: I sure did.  
Rainbow: Fucking Discord!!  
Pinkie: It looks like everyone’s present got screwed up.  
Spike: I wonder what happened to mine?  
Applejack: Yours?  
Spike: Yeah, you said everypony’s name was put into the hat and this is another one of those times when ‘everypony’ excluded me, isn’t it?  
Applejack: It sure is.  
Spike: (sighs) _{yeah, it sure is…} Well, there is one present that didn’t get ruined. (he picks up a guitar) Rarity, I…this is for you. (ahem) ♪You don’t always have to- (hard cut to the end of the song, Pinkie and Rainbow have joined in) ♪-UUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOUUUU HAAAAAAAAAAARD!! ♪♪ Haaaaaa-AAAAAAAA- ^aaaaaaaard! ♪  
Rarity: That was lovely. I mean, I’m not going to let you do any of that, but it was a lovely gift, nonetheless. Because I can tell it came from the heart.  
Twilight: This has been quite a Hearth’s Warming Eve.  
Applejack: Boy howdy. Somethin’ feels a little off, though.  
Rainbow: Could it be that we’re sharing the holiday with at least two monsters?  
Fluttershy: is it that we’re eating the pudding that was, only minutes ago, aware enough to try to hurt us?  
Twilight: Is it the kinda sad image of Celestia and Luna spending tonight by themselves, implying that they’re highly-respected but only loved in a dutiful way and I should have invited them here?  
Applejack: Naw, that’s all fine. Ah think…Ah think it’s Rarity.  
Twilight: You’re right. Normally in these alternate scenes things, Rarity is a time-vampire to Spike and generally kind of snooty and selfish and uncaring toward others.  
Rarity: yes, how very descriptive of you, twilight. But it’s true. I wonder why I was so much less, um, icky than usual.  
lasty: _{happy hearth’s warming, rarity.} I also got something for Marble.  
(cut to the rock farm. Marble opens a box marked ‘To: my bronze medal waifu, council of shy ponies division/From: lasty’. she shrieks and retches simultaneously upon finding a photo of lasty in a swimsuit blowing the camera a kiss)
 
Merry Christma-ween, everyone!
 
@Ardashir  
Thank you.

@lasty  
I think I laughed more reading this then when I watched the special. The jokes about how Spike got treated (really, Twi, did you have to use him as monster bait?) and poor Marble at the end really cracked me up.

Spring Breakdown
 
||(Rarity sits on a deck chair and reads)  
Pinkie: SPRING BREAK!!  
(panning shot of characters in swimsuits)  
Pinkie: FAN-SERVICE!!  
(Bulk spreads his arms because remember Titanic, MLP’s target audience? The movie where a lot of people froze and drowned and they shot a guy and there was nudity and a sex scene and…oh. oh, maybe this isn’t the best thing to refere-…)  
Pinkie: DATED REFERENCE!!  
Twilight: ‘Welcome to a boat, where fun happens and danger could ever be had.’ Did you know there’s an all-you-can-eat buffet? Where you can eat…all you can eat…at?  
Rarity: Isn’t it “at which you can eat” and all the rest?  
Twilight: Grammar is for school-science-Twilight. Vacation-science-Twilight don’t care! (thinking) I’m so sorry, books! Repentant-school-science-Twilight will make it up to you all when she comes back! (out loud) Yup, not a care for grammar!  
Pinkie: AAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Twilight, this boat has everything! Even a moving floor!  
(Applejack gags)  
Sunset: Exposition. Thanks, Twilight.  
Rainbow: I can’t wait to fight evil magic here!  
all: Whu-huh!?  
Rainbow: Come on, you girls know the pattern by now. We think everything is fine and we can relax, but then it turns out we can’t because Equestrian magic is happening and we have to fight someone’s new waifu, or waifus…  
Sandalwood: I miss you, Aria…and also Juniper…and demonic Sunset.  
Microchips: I find your claims of multiple waifus barbaric!  
Rainbow: …we all hug each other and credits roll. I mean, if I recognize that pattern, surely you guys do.  
(heads shake)  
Rainbow: oh, god…am I the smart one now!?  
Sunset: Ha ha, no. No, you are not. Okay, those thing might happen on occasion. But we’re on vacation. Spring break! Relax, let your hair down, show your boobs to someone.  
(something of Rarity’s buzzes)  
Sunset: See, Rarity’s got the right idea. Put on some adventurous underwear.  
Rarity: It’s not those, it’s my phone! We’re in… international waters!  
Rainbow: Gasp! …what does that mean?  
Twilight: It means no country has laid claim to this area of the ocean.  
Rainbow: And what does that mean?  
Twilight: Bad grammar!  
Pinkie: We can swear!  
Fluttershy: monkey knife-fights! …er, i mean, tickle-fights.  
Rarity: Tax-free shopping!  
Rainbow: Does anything not mean some kind of shopping to you?
 
Pinkie: I’ve waited my whole life to taste a cake like this! (it’s gone, though) NOOOOOOO!!  
Puffed Pastry: Excusez-mois, madamoiselle. ‘Ere iz un cake, straight from les oven! Hoh-hoh-HOH!  
Pinkie: Yay, gimme!  
Puffed: Oh, does vous want zees cake?  
Pinkie: I want it!  
Puffed: Does vous want zees cake?  
Pinkie: I want it!  
Puffed: Does vous want zees cake?  
Pinkie: Okay, lasty, you have officially surrendered your right to call this special on dated references.  
Puffed: Vous want-vous want?  
Pinkie: I want that cake!!  
Puffed: Zen allow moi to cut for vous un piece, vis zees spatuLA! I’m French, you know.  
(Puffed draws a utensil, Rainbow tackles her)  
Pinkie: NOOOO, falling cake that I could totally catch but won’t try to, noooo!  
(Ejection!!)  
Rainbow: uh, heh-heh. Y-you heard her. Calling that thing a spatula when it was clearly a pancake-turner. The mark of evil!  
Pinkie: Common usage has rendered both acceptable. (she storms off)
 
Fluttershy: aren’t you just the softest thing? (chittering) you have 42 grandchildren? (giggle) rabbits be humpin’.
 
Rainbow: HAS ANYONE SEEN ANY EVIL MAGIC!?!  
Flash: Wouldn’t it be cool if that phrase was still weird to us?  
Rainbow: Those days are behind you and they’re not coming back. AGAIN, BAD MAGIC!?  
Lyra: I’ve heard Bad Magick! Not one of Godsmack’s best.  
Flash: But not their worst, either.  
Lyra: Shut it! i still haven’t forgiven you for what you did with bon-bon…  
Flash: You mean baking something?  
Lyra: that’s how it starts…  
Rainbow: ugh. Is Trixie in this special or not?  
Trixie: Did someone call for the Great and Powerf-  
Rainbow: Cool, bye!  
Trixie: but…but my fake-out. i was gonna have a slight accent for a second…  
Flash: Is it me or do Rainbow Dash and Lyra have similar voice?  
Blythe Baxter: Naw. JYI: just your imagination.  
Flash: Who you are and what you said don’t make sense.
 
Rarity: $9.99! My savvy shopping smarts strike again!  
cashier: mm-hmm. I’m sure savin’ a buck or so was super-worth sailing into a shark-infested no-man’s-land.  
Ragamuffin: I’m British in a way British people ain’t been in a dog’s age, it is!  
Rarity: Sure, I’ll buy and be charmed by that accent.  
lasty: … well, i’m sure this one will be worth the screen-time.  
Rarity: Carry my stuff, accented stranger!
 
Twilight: Is everyone having fun?  
Pinkie: No, and it’s Rainbow Dash’s fault!  
Fluttershy: there wasn’t an alternate scene for it, but same.  
Applejack: Is bein’ sick really gonna be mah whole thing in this?  
Twilight: i’m so sorry. please still like me.  
Sunset: It’s not your fault. It’s Rainbow’s. She’s the worst, always being vigilant and noticing how things work when cameras are on us for more than a minute or two at a time.  
Rainbow: We’re gonna unleash awesomeness on the crowd!  
Sunset: You can just call it flashing them.  
Pinkie: I always thought that was called giving them a peek at my pebbles.  
Rainbow: No, I’m not talking about showin’ off the goods.  
Sunset: Do you not know how spring break works!?  
Rainbow: I mean the ears and tails!  
Sunset: Oh, that. Yeah, okay.  
Fluttershy: so, i don’t have to show the puppies?  
Twilight: No, Fluttershy. You can keep Galileo and Copernicus concealed. …that’s what i call mine.  
Rarity: I call mine Gold and Diamonds, because it’s what they will someday earn for me. Here’s a British guy.  
Ragamuffin: ‘ello, moy duckies! Watch at me china all the may west of the Dutchess of fire for the wee dust bin lids to?  
Pinkie: Rarity, he’s not British. He doesn’t sound a thing like you.  
Rarity: That’s…my accent isn’t British. It’s, er, Fancyish.  
Pinkie: Are those different?  
Fluttershy: wow, that boy rarity likes sure looks familiar. happy, rarijack shippers?  
Rarity: oh, it’s like he fell out of a historical romance novel.  
Rainbow: Or someone’s Mad Mod fan-fic.  
Fluttershy: someday i’ll feel romantic love. someday…
 
(concert starts)  
Flash: The skies are looking pretty dark. Is holding a concert on a boat when a storm might be coming a smart thing to d- Oh my God, my ex winked at me!!!  
Rainbow: It’s about to go down!  
guy: The ship’s going down!?  
(panic)  
Rainbow: No, I mean the show! It’s about to go off!  
guy: The boat’s about to go off-course into the Bermuda Triangle!?  
(panic)  
Rainbow: No! I’m saying we’re about to start to really rock!  
guy: The boat’s about to hit some rocks!?  
(panic)  
Rainbow: …music?  
guy: The cursed music of sirens is luring our captains to madness and destruction and they’re taking us with them!?  
(panic, Rainbow rolls her eyes)
 
Twilight: I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, but being the smart one among my particular group of teenage friends means I’m smart about everything but social interaction. Way to be a professional boat crew, ya hacks! All I have to do is mild technobabble and everything will be fine in 3…2…1 more than enough time for things ot be fine…even more time…should have worked by now…did Rainbow miss her cue?  
Rainbow: Sorry I’m late, come see this!
 
Ragamuffin: I’m British.  
Rarity: Call-back.  
(almost kiss…)  
Spike: I’ll kill him!!!  
(but no)  
Spike: you got lucky. by not getting lucky.  
Rarity: Rainbow Dash! I was about to kiss that guy!  
Rainbow: The one you know only superficial things about, and only for a couple minutes? Like that would ever happen.  
Rarity: Now who isn’t recognizing patterns in our lives?
 
Rainbow: I promise, this is more important than all of your things!  
Applejack: More important than bein’ sick? ‘cause that’s all ah got for this special.  
Rainbow: That’s sad-larious. Anyway, magic!  
Twilight: Magic isn’t in this exact spot at this exact moment, making you a liar. Why you always lyin’? Girl, you always lyin’. Mmm, oh my God. Stop buckin’ lyin’. Also, I’m so annoyed, I’m going to interpret ‘take no prisoners’ as ‘literally take prisoners’ for some reason, and then act like you’re the one who was being dumb.  
Rainbow: Why you gotta be so superherophobic?  
Twilight: We’re not superheroes!  
Rainbow: Frequent acts of heroism plus super-powers equals superheroes! If the word ‘superheroes’ means anything, it’s exactly that!  
Sunset: To be fair, we’re kinda superheroes.  
Fluttershy: and you did just completely misunderstand what ‘take no prisoners’ means. maybe your ability to define things is a little bit…bad right now?  
Twilight: Shut up! I’m the smart one, Rainbow is being an idiot and a liar and Titanic hasn’t been a viable reference for a kid’s show in years!  
Sunset: Okay, point for that last thing.
 
Twilight: I wasn’t very nice to Rainbow Dash last night, was I?  
Sunset: Nope. But isn’t seeing all of us wearing life-jackets a nice subtle way to indicate things are getting dangerous? Also, I blame myself.  
Twilight: I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world. In any world. (to the camera) Do you ship us yet?
 
Sunset: You don’t think Rainbow Dash left on this missing boat after you yelled at her and called her a liar and misunderstood a pretty common phrase and told her she wasn’t a superhero even though she pretty clearly wants to be one, do you?  
Twilight: …wow. I’ll call her and ask.  
Rainbow’s outgoing message: What’s up, nerds. If you’re not too busy being some crusty, worthless old fart, leave a message, you stupid losers. I’m the best!  
Sunset: Well?  
Twilight: I don’t know if she left, but if she did, I feel less bad about it now.  
||
 
(part 2 coming soon)

Spring Breakdown, part 2
 
Applejack: Ah’ll fix the engine. We’ll be good to go by the time th’ storm hits.  
Sunset: But you’re seasick. Going below deck is the worst thing for you.  
Applejack: D’you remember what it’s like to only have one thing goin’ for ya in a special? Somethin’ so incidental an’ pointless, ya knew th’ only reason you were even there is ‘cause if ya weren’t, someone would complain about it?  
Sunset: Nnnnot really.  
Applejack: Exactly. Ya don’t know what it’s like to only be in a story so’s th’ writers can say you was in it. An’ yer Sunset, people definitely would complain if ya weren’t there. Me, though? uh-uh. Ah need this, Sunset. Ah need t’be the one t’fix the boat or save some passengers if’n things get bad or somethin’, just… somethin’!  
Twilight: You could come help us find Rainbow Dash.  
Applejack: Folks don’t even care ‘bout one pony-me. Can’t imagine they’ll flip their hats fer two u’mm.  
Twilight: Two what?  
Applejack: Two of ‘em. Sorry, that countryism don’t work so good in writin’.  
Twilight: Since when can you repair a yacht?  
Applejack: Since when could you?  
Twilight: touche`.  
Pinkie: I’ll go do something helpful in this dangerous situation!  
Fluttershy: i’ll go do something that could save lives.  
Rarity: I’ll go spend another minute with that British fellow, bringing it up to almost two. …wait, that’s really un-raritylike, isn’t it? I’ll go help Applejack.  
Sunset: Help her fix an engine?  
Rarity: Right, not my area of expertise. er…I’ll fasten glitter to the life-jackets, so air-rescue pilots will see us more easily. _{probably should have said that in the real special…}  
Sunset: Yup. Off we go!
 
Twilight: Maybe Rainbow didn’t go in there.  
parrot: Awk! I’m going into that jungle.  
Twilight: In there!? A-anyone could have said that.  
parrot: Awk! Or my name isn’t Rainbow Dash! Awk!  
Twilight: …any Rainbow Dash could have said that.  
parrot: Rainbow Danger Dash is my name. Awk!  
Twilight: …maybe he heard it on a radio?  
parrot: Awk! It’s crazy how on this island in person I am now, on whatever today’s date is, following my argument with Twilight Snicklebeard Sparkle about whether or not we’re superheroes. Awk!  
Twilight: …that could be anyone…  
Sunset: Get in the dang forest!
 
Rainbow: HELP!!  
Sunset: Did you hear that!?  
Twilight: That could be any Rainbow Dash.  
Sunset: Stop it!
 
Sunset: Don’t struggle! We’ll find something to pull you out.  
Rainbow: How about Twilight’s magic?  
Sunset: would a leaf work..?  
Rainbow: Twilight can move things with magic, just use that.  
Sunset: This stick looks pretty sturdy, but…  
Rainbow: Comes from a geode, makes stuff glow purple?  
parrot: Awwk! Twilight’s wrong!  
Rainbow: heh. Anyone could have said that.  
Twilight: I know, right!?  
parrot: Awk! Or my name isn’t Rainbow Dash!  
Rainbow: Why do I talk like that? Why would anyone talk like that? Anyway, this is my fault. There’s nothing magical out here. Nope, nothing magical or magic-related whatsoever anywhere near here. Not one single shred of magic here. Not at all.  
Twilight: Look out, a magic thing!  
Rainbow: heh-heh. always works.  
(tentacles)  
lasty: I’ve seen enough internet to know where this is going.  
internet: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where…aw, man.  
Sunset: Argh, a giant plant-monster!!  
Rainbow: What giant plant-monster?  
Sunset: Do you know a giant plant-monster we shouldn’t be afraid of!?  
Rainbow: No.  
Sunset: Well then there was no need to ask that, was there!?
 
Sunset: This is definitely Equestrian magic!  
Twilight: There is no Equestrian magic out here!  
Sunset: Not the time, Twilight! Look, under this thin layer of quicksand is a glowing golden portal!  
Rainbow: What?  
Sunset: So I’m going to push your head under the sand.  
Rainbow: … what!? Sunset, no, I think I’d know if I’d been halfway through a portal to another dimension by now!  
Sunset: You’d think but… (dunk)  
Twilight: Did you just..!?  
Sunset: Yes, and I’m about to do it again.  
Twilight: What the nuuuuuuuuutss!?!
 
Sci-Twi: AAAAAAAAAAA!! I knew I would end up naked on spring break! I even assumed it wouldn’t be completely by my own choice!  
Sunset: uh…  
Sci-Twi: But I assumed I’d be human for it! But now, I’m a horsey! A HORSEY, I TELL YOU!!!  
Sunset: Around here, we call ourselves ‘ponies’.  
Sci-Twi: Oh, I’m sorry, did the terminology not fit with the world I’ve never been to when I’m fresh off of a sudden cross-species transformation!?  
Rainbow: I’m already fine with this. Maybe you should be, too. It could be informative…  
Sci-Twi: I love informative things!  
Sunset: Should we consider trying to go back at some point?  
Rainbow: It’s just a little rain _{and a broken engine out at sea}, they’re fine. Have I steered you guys wrong yet?  
Rarity: We’re not fine!!!  
Rainbow: Get used to that gag, we, uh…we revisit it.
 
Spike: And now dragons getting married is canon!  
(laughter)  
Spike: Anyway, things are fine.  
human Pinkie: THINGS AREN’T FINE, THOUGH!!!
 
Rainbow: Too hot! It needs to be like…20% cooler. heh. i love when references get worked in seamlessly like that.  
Sunset: yeah, seamless. that’s what that was.  
Sci-Twi: Mmm, I love this!  
Static-X: This is not my life! This is not my home! This is not me!  
Rarity: I HATE THIS!!!
 
Trixie: The question is, can the Great and Powerful Trixie bring the water back? (flooding) oh, no. I’m too powerful! I’m too powerful!!! (years later) I can still hear them screaming, doctor. In my nightmares. They all blame me for what happened. and…and they’re right! The boat sinking was all my fault! (sobbing)
 
Fluttershy: oh, my. we’re sinking!  
Rarity: We’re not sinking! We’re crashing! But in a more literal sense, we are sinking.  
Twilight: …and that’s when I realized Ember doesn’t like to be hugged. But I hugged her again anyway.  
(laughter)  
Twilight: Here’s another good yarn: I kept the Storm King’s staff.  
Spike: Didn’t you tell Celestia that it was lost forever?  
Twilight: Yes. Yes, I did. And it was lost, to her and Luna and everyone but me. Anyway, after we destroyed the Storm King, I…  
Sunset: Wait. ‘Destroyed’?  
Twilight: Petrified him and let him fall to the courtyard below where he shattered into dozens of pieces.  
Rainbow: WHOA!!  
Sunset: Wow. I didn’t think you had it in you.  
Spike: She doesn’t. He kinda did it to himself, with a little help from Tempest.  
Twilight: Well, I could have done it myself but…wait, I thought Boneless turned into a key.  
Rainbow: Neat convenient insignia on this wrapping paper. Looks like that thing I saw in the ocean.  
Twilight: You…saw that? Was there a lot of lightning and thunder when you saw it?  
Rainbow: Little bit, yeah.  
Twilight: Do you know what this means!? Someone peeved off Rayden!!!  
Spike: Or..?  
Twilight: Or some of the Storm King’s magic got loose from his body just before he died, found a portal he didn’t know existed to a world he had no reason to believe existed and that magic found you girls specifically in the middle of the ocean of a world he’s never been to!  
Carrot Cake: That makes sense, right?
 
Sunset: I can’t believe how easy that was.  
Rainbow: But it looked cool, can’t deny that.
 
Twilight: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  
Rainbow: Well, I think so, Twilight. But rearranging the letters in ‘sith’ would make them sound a lot less intimidating, wouldn’t it?
 
Puffed: Ah zought Ah told yew nev-err to come in ‘ere!  
Pinkie: Good thing I’m a slow learner.  
Puffed: Your un-linERz are not as cool-zounding as vous sink zey are.
 
(the tanker section from Metal Gear Solid 2 is worked in there somehow)
 
Ragamuffin: I’m not even British.  
Rarity: Why!? Why would you pretend to be British!? To charm me!? Make me swoon and like you and nearly kiss you!?  
Ragamuffin: well, i’m not a big fan of that ‘nearly’ but…  
Rarity: My God, I almost kissed you! You were going to kiss me under false pretenses!! Rainbow Dash, I am so very sorry for being cross with you for pulling me away from him. I didn’t know what a favor you had done me.  
Rainbow: All in a heroic couple-days’ work.  
Rarity: And you! What have you got to say for yourself for-for deceiving me!?  
Ragamuffin: People are still gonna ship us.
 
Sunset: We’re baaack.  
lasty: Alright, this is what I was waiting for! All the human characters in Equestria! Aw, man, what kinda crazy hijinks will they all get up to in this strange world of magic and weird creatures and doppelgangers and…  
(credits)  
lasty: ……ffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFrankly, not what I was hoping for.
 
@Ardashir  

 
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed them.

@lasty  
I almost died laughing when I read the parts about Ragamuffin, and Rarity’s nicknames for ‘her girls’.
 
I love the concluding comments in part 2.
 
It’s great to see you doing this again!

A Royal Problem, Alternate Ending:
 
Starlight: I can’t switch them back for 24 hours! That’s just how the spell works.
 
Celestia: Find a way.
 
Luna: Or else.
 
Starlight: (weakly) Or else what? (frightened) What will you do to me?!
 
Luna: Not to you.
 
Celestia: To her. *teleports in Trixie and holds her over a fire* You have thirty seconds to fix this or-
 
Trixie: STARLIGHT HELP ME THEY’RE GONNA KI-
 
Luna: Oh shut up, thou mediocre mage. *to Starlight* Ten seconds.
 
Starlight: (in tears) Why?! Why are you doing this?!
 
*cut to dream world, Celestia is watching from outside the dream with Luna at her side*
 
Luna: You should probably do something soon, before she suffers severe psychological distress.
 
Celestia: But where’s the fun in that?

@GenericArchangel  
Wow, Celly got nasty fast with those dream-shaping powers.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END PART 1  
ALTERNATE SCENE
 
princess luna: equestria is enjoying its longest period of harmony in recent years.
 
princess celestia: and it’s all thanks to you, twilight. and your friends of course.
 
twilight sparkle: wait! it’s been like (glances at calendar) six days since the last time equestria was nearly destroyed! we’re still digging bodies out of the rubble!
 
princess luna: i know!
 
princess celestia: that’s almost a whole week!
 
princess luna: a new record!
 
princess celestia: a personal best!
 
princess luna: because of your efforts, there has been less and less for us to do.
 
princess celestia: i haven’t had to hide under my bed for at least a month!
 
princess luna: a month?! well ooh la la. somepony’s feeling bold!
 
princesses: (giggling)
 
twilight sparkle:  

@DanielTepesKraus  
The dialogue is great and Twi’s expression at the end makes it perfect. “What kind of leadership does this country even have?”

The Beginning of the End, Part 1
 
Twilight: Did you all get an urgent summons from the princesses, too?  
Rainbow: No, we were all just hanging out in front of Canterlot for no reason.  
Applejack: No, we heard there was gonna be a Canterlot-exclusive downpour an’ we wanted t’be here to bottle it.  
Rarity: Summons!? Wasn’t that the line for Metallica?  
Pinkie: I love snappy answers to stupid questions! Why are we running?  
Twilight: Because of that urgent summons I just mentioned! What if someone turned evil, specifically Starlight!? Or stayed evil and turned active!? Or a meteor was sighted hurtling toward Equestria and it isn’t Spike’s fake-dad this time!? I can’t handle an apocalypse this week! Or any week! I can’t face the end!! We’re all gonna die and there’s nothing anypony can do about it and we should all just go out on our own terms!!! (sobbing!)  
Rainbow: Oh, hey, we’re in the castle. Hey, princesses.  
Luna: Hay is for horses. So, thank you.  
Twilight: What’s going on!? What’s the trouble!? Have you prepared the cyanide capsules!? My research shows they’re one of the less horrible ways to go!  
Luna: Nothing is going on. Everything is fine!  
Twilight: Oh, fuck you!!!  
Applejack: heh-heh. Sorry ‘bout that, yer Haghnesses. She’s just a mite stressed, is all.  
Celestia: But why? All we did was send an urgent summons for all of you to come to us immediatel-ooooh, because of how that usually means disaster. Well, rest assured, Twilight, that no disaster is happening at the moment. Or for many of the past moments. Which is why you’re the queen of Equestria now.  
Twilight: FUCKING WHAT!?!?!  
Celestia: Did I stutter?  
Twilight: You-you-you can’t just make me the ruler of a country because nothing has happened in the last… (checks watch) I don’t have a watch, but it was only a couple of months!  
Luna: That’s how we got the job. Well, how I got it. Celestia is only a princess by relation.  
Twilight: Why would you let every history book say otherwise!?  
Celestia: Because we’re giant trolls! And also retiring.  
Discord: Did someone mention trolling!? So, who’ll be taking over Equestria? Will it be someone tall, dark and handsome? Or will it be the Lord of C#@0$!?  
Celestia: While I appreciate you realizing that you don’t qualify as tall, dark and handsome…  
Discord: No, I meant…oh, by separating that person and myself as different choices, I implied…okay, i see what happened.  
Celestia: …it’s going to be Twilight.  
Twilight: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
 
(change-less intro)
 
Twilight: …AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa _aaaaaaaaaaa (passes out from lack of oxygen)  
Celestia: Oh, dear. I wasn’t expecting her to react like that.  
(everyone shoots her a “…really?” look)  
Rarity: With all due respect, royal-darlings, she was panic-stricken at the notion of late homework not too long ago.  
Fluttershy: and shopping for pony-christmas more recently. and regularly.  
Rarity: She was already in quite a concerned state when she entered your lovely castle. What in the world made you think she would do anything less than this at two such sudden revelations?  
Celestia: I suppose I thought that having the five of you by her side would give her the strength to face this with aplomb and grace.  
Spike: _{six of us.}  
Rainbow: You thought she would handle this gracefully? Twilight?  
Twilight: ……. guh! i had the most horrible dream. the princesses made me the main princess and i was making out with shining armor. and also, sunset came back from humanland with me and rainbow and we had fondue. then, i screamed so long, i passed out but nopony even started making a move to help me. 
Celestia: That wasn’t a dream…mostly. i hope. (Celestia magically shuts her muzzle to prevent another scream) Now, Twilight, I know this is a big change that I just sort of told you you were doing without asking if you wanted to or were willing to. Or if you had any kind of plans for the various high-pressure points of a princess’ job that will affect not just Equestria, but the other nations of the world that you’ll be facing daily.  
Twilight: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!  
Celestia: But it’s just like the wings. Remember when I gave you wings and a title without asking if you wanted them? And now, you can fly and live in a castle! Isn’t that nice?  
Twilight: (dispels the spell) I guess, but I still didn’t really like it at the time. What makes you think I can even do you and Luna’s job? Why not Cadance, she’s got more actual ruling experience than I do?  
Celestia: Because you and your friends have faced task after task.  
Luna: Challenge after challenge.  
guard: Difficulty after difficulty.  
Inkwell: trial after trial.  
Spike: Test after test.  
Discord: Foe after foe.  
Pinkie: Synonym after synonym!  
Celestia: And you’ve always prevailed.  
Twilight: … NO WE HAVEN’T!! Discord had us all on the ropes when he came back! Sombra had us to the point that all anyone but Spike and I could do was distract the citizens from the impending doom and he captured me! Tirek captured all of my friends and Discord and forced me to gamble on a deus ex…lockbox, after eating nearly all the magic! I couldn’t have touched him if you hadn’t given me your power! Chrysalis threw me in a dungeon and then got me, all of us, into snot-cocoons! The Equestria Games were almost crushed by ice! Neighsay locked me out of my quickly-built school! And speaking of schools, I nearly lost to Flim and Flam’s! Cozy Glow tricked my friends and I into locking ourselves in Horsey-Hell!! And that’s not even counting all the times we nearly got killed by plants, animals or accidents!!  
Rarity: Don’t forget that we were almost defeated by snowy weather.  
Fluttershy: also, we were tricked by obvious fakes of ourselves.  
Luna: When you put it that way, I am grateful but also kind of embarrassed that Nightmare Moon lost to all of you.  
Twilight: Well, she wouldn’t have if the tests she pitted us against weren’t designed to be conquered by our most prominent virtues! So tell me, Celestia! What are these problems I’ve ‘overcome’, exactly!? How do all these things that so, so nearly resulted in total defeat if not for luck and outside magic qualify me as what Starlight calls a “princess-princess”!? Why are you putting me through this!?  
Celestia: Ascending to the throne will make you taller and your mane flow and Hasbro wants to sell a toy of it.  
Twilight: Curses! (sigh) fine, let’s get me coronation’ed.  
Celestia: Not until the end of the season.  
Twilight: What?  
Celestia: What?  
Spike: Aaaaanywhoo…  
Rainbow: Well, I’m fine with being…whatever this will make me. I can’t wait to invade everyone’s privacy!  
Twilight: Sure, but…  
Applejack: We’re more ethical than others! wait, that ain’t how ah meant that.  
Twilight: Isn’t it?  
Rarity: And I can design dresses!  
Twilight: Actually, I think if you became my cabinet, you’d have to stop making…  
Pinkie: You can’t spell ‘responsibility over a nation’ without ‘party’!  
Twilight: I already surrendered to this.  
Pinkie: ‘Entering politics’ on three! One, two, three!  
everyone: Entering politics!  
Twilight: celestia, if you’ve ever loved or cared about me, please don’t make me do this.  
Applejack: …wait, why was Twilight researchin’ “ways to go”?
 
Discord: This show sure is predictable.  
Rarity: It’s really more like Twilight is predictable.  
Pinkie: It’s a verb!  
Twilight: oh, screw you guys.  
Rainbow: You know who sucks? The princesses.  
Twilight: any other day, i’d be mad at you for saying that.  
Pinkie: And we still always win!  
Twilight: (glaring daggers at her) Did you not hear my speech at the castle!?  
Rainbow: By an inch or a mile, a win’s a win! And all our wins were just preparing you since you were a filly to take over! Celestia ‘groomed’ you as a child, you might say!  
Spike: And there hasn’t been a single villain we couldn’t defeat.  
Twilight: What is wrong with all of your memories!?
 
Chrysalis: I’m lonely!
 
Cozy Glow: Hey, onii-chan!  
Tirek: It is lord Tirek!  
Cozy: What are you the lord of?  
Tirek: The great Centaur Empire!  
Cozy: I meant currently.  
Tirek: …what did you want to tell me? (teleported away)  
Cozy: I hope that teleporting didn’t hurt Tirek-nii when he- oh, golly, it does hurt!!  
Chrysalis: Other living beings to talk to!! I mean, lord Tirek! What are you doing here!?  
Tirek: Silently praying this place has a bathroom! I’ve been holding it since the child arrived in Tartarus! I may be a villain, but I’m not some sicko.  
Chrysalis: Tartarus? Whoever pulled you from there must be super-powerful. Like, powerful enough to make a series finale epic as balls-powerful.  
Sombra: And I’m here, also.  
?: But he is not the one who rescued all of you. I am. You may call me… Grogar! Because Grogar is my name and those exist so you can call someone by them.  
Cozy: Makes sense.  
Tirek: Grogar!? I thought you were a legend!  
Cozy: Oh, you think everything is a golly-darned legend.  
Tirek: I do not! Just Grogar and Discord (Cozy lifts a fry-box with ‘super-size’ written on it) Super-sized fries!? Those are legend!  
Grogar: I assure you, I am only legend in the awe-stricken sense. I have assembled you all to get rid of Twilight Sparkle and her friends. Once and for all. heh heh heh heh heeeeh…  
Chrysalis: Why? I know why I don’t like them, but what do you have against them?  
Cozy: And if you’re so powerful, why do you need all of us?  
Grogar: I’ll say later on and to stall for my power to return.  
Tirek: Do they know you’re coming for them?  
Grogar: No.  
Tirek: Then just wait. Or strike from the shadows when they least suspect it.  
Cozy: Which is all the dern time, since they don’t know you exist.  
Grogar: Shut up and eat magic.  
(Tirek does)  
Tirek: Wow, I’m marketably imposing, but not outright intimidating. This will work well as my new default form!  
Cozy: So, who the darn-heck is Grogar?  
Tirek: Once upon a time…  
Cozy: Hooray, a bedtime story from Tirek onii-chan!  
Tirek: (to a confused Chrysalis:) It’s a thing she does. (to Cozy) …the land used to be farms and pastures and small rustic villages.  
Cozy: So, it was all like Ponyville.  
Tirek: Basically. Anyway, one day, Grogar claimed it all as his own!  
Cozy: Golly! How’d he pull that humdinger of a trick off?  
Tirek: He…just said it was all his.  
(beat)  
Sombra: I, too, have heard of the beast known as Grogar. The ‘father of monsters’, they once called him.  
Tirek: Didn’t you used to be less articulate?  
Sombra: Do you really want my only dialogue to be hissing ‘crystals’?  
Tirek: but your inarticulate way of speaking was legend.  
Grogar: Do you know why the Mane Eight always beat you?  
Chrysalis: Protagonist power!  
Grogar: Because they’re a team. So now, we’re a team.  
Sombra: Your face is a team! (off to the Crystal Empire)
 
Twilight: Starlight! Guess what, you run the school now!  
Starlight: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!  
Twilight: You know, it is kind of fun to watch a pony freak out.
 
Sombra: With the Crystal Heart in my possession, nothing can…  
Cadance: How did you do that?  
Sombra: Do what?  
Cadance: Get the Heart, it’s whole purpose was to keep ponies like you out. And also snow. Why didn’t it destroy you this time?  
Sombra: Well, I simply…I-I just, uh…see, what had happened was, er…
 
Twilight: Starlight, can you stay here and take care of the school?  
Starlight: The one I just said was empty? Yeah, probably.
 
Sombra: How can I be surprised when I’m waiting to show you all your greatest fear?  
audience: Can we see their greatest fears?  
Sombra: Just Twilight’s.  
audience: …fine.  
Twilight: how…how..!? How do I know what Daybreaker looks like!?
 
Spike: Dragon-fire beats crystal! …apparently.  
Shining: It’s cute that you think that’ll do anything.  
Cadance: Like it’s cute that your contribution to this fight is less than Flurry Heart’s?  
Shining: …awww.  
Twilight: And now, you’re a big defeated!  
Sombra: BLARGH!!  
Twilight: I’m still not ready, but I’m getting there.  
Shining: Ready for what, what is she talking about?  
(later)  
Twilight: Once again, Equestria is safe.  
Narrator: …thanks to, The Powerpuff Girls!  
Sombra: No, U! …are a defeated.  
(Tree of Harmony, RIP in Rest, to be continued)

The Beginning of the End, Part 2
 
Sombra: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!  
Peter Venkman: It wasn’t that funny.  
Fluttershy: the tree of harmony can’t really be gone. it just can’t.  
Sombra: But it is!  
Fluttershy: oh, okay, i guess it is, then.  
Sombra: How foolish of you to believe that merely vaporizing your enemy would defeat him! Now I have destroyed the source of your power! …s.  
(clink-clink)  
Twilight: everyone done making a .gif of me clinking Element-bits together and typing ‘i’ve done nothing productive all day’ under it? okay. uh, he’s right. Without the Elements, I don’t know how we can defeat him.  
Rainbow: Then we’ll just have to beat him the old-fashioned way!  
Twilight: That seems like odd wording to follow what I said.  
Sombra: And just how do you plan to stop me?  
Rainbow: With stabbing!  
Sombra: Whoa! This show got dark since I’ve been gone!  
(he traps them)  
Sombra: And now that I need no longer risk being stabbed to death by your violent rainbow-colored friend, I can rule all Equestria. And I can make you all help me do it! (almost helmets them) But I won’t! There’s no point. sure, that works. I don’t need you to take over your hometown.  
Applejack: Don’t you dare say it!  
Sombra: Your beloved hometown. Which is…  
Rarity: You leave Ponyville alone!  
Sombra: So, that’s where you’re all from? Good! It’ll break your spirits and it’s within walking distance!  
Rarity: D’oh!  
Sombra: Bye, then.  
Twilight: We’re boned! Sombra will take over Equestria and it’s all my fault!  
Applejack: Aw, don’t blame yourself, sugarcube. Ya couldn’t’a seen that sneak-attack comin’.  
Twilight: I knew I wasn’t ready to replace the princesses!  
Applejack: That’s not really a factor in any a’this.  
Rarity: Oh, I can’t bear to think of Sweetie Belle under the control of that monster!  
Pinkie: Or those poor little Cake twins.  
Rainbow: Or Spike or Starlight. …hey, where is Spike?  
Fluttershy: or angel. or anypony forced to do that monster’s bidding.  
Rarity: Way to borrow my word for him, darling.  
Applejack: Ah’m not too worried about it.  
Rainbow: What!?  
Applejack: Think about it. Yer the fastest pegasus around, Ah’m strong even for an earth pony, Twilight is powerful as the dickins with her magic, Pinkie’s like an apprentice Discord an’ Rarity’s hot. An’ Sombra said we wasn’t worth havin’ around. Why would he pass us up only to ensnare a rabbit an’ a couple’a foals?  
(Twilight becomes a dirty digger)  
Applejack: Ah’ll dig.  
Pinkie: Me, too!  
Fluttershy: i’m in.  
Rarity: Show me the muddy!  
(everything stops. lasty’s jaw hangs in shock and disgust. no, really, it did)  
Rainbow: …wow.  
Pinkie: Pee-yew!  
Applejack: You glad ya said that, Rarity? Ya proud’a that one?  
(digging)  
Twilight: Yay, we’re out and I should have used magic to dig instead of my hooves!
 
(Sombra has enslaved children and the elderly)  
Applejack: Huh. Well, there goes my theory.  
Rainbow: Not gonna lie, I’m a little insulted.  
Rarity: Sweetie Belle! I can’t get her to stop. She can’t stop, won’t stop.  
Twilight: None of us can make her stop. Sombra’s magic is too stronk.  
Applejack: We could try corralin’ ‘em with physical barriers. It wouldn’t break the spell, but it would mean less chance of someone gettin’ hurt in Caterlot …no? Just gonna be all defeatist? ‘kay, then.  
Twilight: I can’t believe I’m such a bad “princess-princess”!
 
(Rainbow steals tools)  
Rainbow: We can use these to…  
Fluttershy: keep the out of control everfree forest at bay!  
Rainbow: Oh, uh, yeah, that. And not to murder Sombra. _{until we find him}  
Fluttershy: for our friends.  
Rarity/Applejack: For our families!  
Rainbow: For the kids who feed our egos!  
Pinkie: For our own plans of conquest!  
Aragorn: …. _{for frodo!}  
Twilight: For Equestria!!
 
guard: Our alert-horns! We’re powerless without them!
 
Starswirl: I felt it when it happened. Like a part of my essence ceased to be.  
Twilight: Whutchu mean?  
Starswirl: That part has passed on! It’s ceased to be! It’s pushin’ up daisies, joined the choir invisible! This! Is an ex-part of my essence!  
Twilight: ….well I guess I better replace it, then.  
Celestia: Your paraphrasing of classic comedy will have to wait! We have gardening to do!  
Twilight: I’m so sorry about the Tree.  
Starswirl: Don’t be. The Pillars and I can keep in under control. Who do you think did that before the Tree was there?  
Rainbow: But who kept it under control before you guys?  
Starswirl: That is a tale for another shut up and don’t worry about it.  
Applejack: Did y’all ever consider findin’ out what’s makin’ the forest do this and fix it?  
Starswirl: No. Kaaaa-meeee-haaaaa-meeee-HERBICIDE!!!  
Twilight: Princesses, Sombra is attacking Canterlot!  
Luna: We left it defenseless! Well, except for all the guards and citizens who fought the first changeling invasion.  
(the mane six teleport)  
Celestia: Where are the other Pillars?  
Starswirl: Having a four-way staring contest. …it’s important to them, somehow.
 
Fluttershy: sombra’s going to make us fight our way through all our friends? but with sassy saddles on his side, we don’t stand a chance!
 
Twilight: I’m not ready to fight against the citizens of Equestria. One more thing I’m not ready to do!  
Rainbow: It’s kind of amazing how even now, she can’t let that whole princess thing go.
 
Rarity: Ooo! Sorry about this, Fancy Pants and nopony else!
 
Pinkie: What’ll we do, Twilight!?  
Twilight: I don’t know, but we can’t stay here. (teleports)  
Pinkie: Wow, it’s almost like we didn’t need to do that whole skirmish outside at all.
 
Twilight: Discord! I’m so glad to see you! that feels so weird to say. Snap your claws or paw or something and undo all this!  
Discord: Naw.  
Twilight: Please, though.  
Discord: Now, if I just whisked all this away, how would that teach you to be a good ruler? (he turns into a ruler because comedy)  
Twilight: I dunno, how does retiring at first sign of non-trouble make Celestia and Luna good rulers? Wow, I’ve really turned around on that whole reverence for them thing, haven’t I?  
Discord: Eh, fair enough. Though I was really hoping you’d use this experience to grow and become the capable princess and protector of Equestria I knew you could be.  
Twilight: Less yap, more snap!  
Rainbow: Why do you care how well Equestria is looked after?  
Twilight: uh, heh-heh, not the time to be calling that into question!  
Rainbow: No, no, no, I’m curious. You can be anywhere at anytime with and as anyone. Why do you care what happens to one little pony-principality? Don’t you have infinite cosmic awareness or something?  
Discord: (blushing) Well, I don’t know about ‘infinite’. I can explain why I care or I can help, but not both.  
others: HELPHELPHELPHELPHELPEHELPHELP!!  
Rainbow: fine. The second one.  
(he helps)  
Discord: So, a battalion of changelings, no sweat. Four guards who even the princesses don’t consider a defense, (turns into long Twilight) Oh no, we’re just doomed without all-powerful chaos magic!  
Twilight: That doesn’t look anything like me. Either way, thanks, Discord. I don’t know what we’d do without you!  
(Discord gives a look. foreshadowing another betrayal? or concerned Twilight will always rely on him!?)
 
Discord: Fluttershy should get most of the credit. She’s my favorite.  
(Sombra fires at her)  
Discord: Revealing who I care about has become an exploitable weakness, somehow, noooo! (blasted)  
Fluttershy: discord!! he-he’s been bodied!  
some but not all or probably most shippers: A-ha! See those tears!? Her concern!? That proves Discoshy is and always was canon, you idiots! Fluttershy would never react that way if her other friends were hurt! Especially not if that friend seemed to be their only hope and was hurt protecting her! Don’t you know Fluttershy at all!? And that blush!? Pssh! When else has she ever done that!?  
Applejack: Welp, we’re boned.  
Discord: real-cough, real-cough. it appears you’re on your own, like i wanted you to be, but don’t think too h-hard about that. but you don’t need anyone else. you’re all strong, independent women what don’t need no man. fluttershy, you’ll always be kind. applejack, you’ll always have whatever your thing is. discipline or something. others, you’ll always have your various virtues. the four will always be fantastic, the hulk will always be incredible. the words i weave into the hearts of…of heroes are in~~…in~~…indelible, totally real fainting.  
Twilight: but…but without discord…oh, i knew i wasn’t ready to be prin-  
Rainbow: Stop it! Twilight, I get it. You’re scared of having to take on responsibility for the whole country. We all get scared sometimes. But while you’re worrying about what might happen down the line, today, king Sombra is trying to take over Equestria. The place that was entrusted to you! And he’s not gonna be benevolent like the last two princesses. You know that as well as every one of us.  
Applejack: Remember what he did with Cadance, yer brother an’ Flurry Heart? He trapped ‘em and made ‘em watch as he stole their home. If’n we don’t stop him here an’ now, he’s gonna do it again, or worse, to everyone.  
Rarity: Did you see those helmets he made his soldiers wear? The ones he totally stole from Final Crisis. Yes, I said it! He’s going to put them on them, Twilight. Them and everypony you hold dear.  
Pinkie: He’s going to kill fun! Colors! He’ll make everything…kinda like Yakyakistan. Or the rock farm. huh.  
Fluttershy: he’s already done so much damage. we can’t let everyone who suffered go through it for nothing.  
Rainbow: Now, are you gonna prove your fears right by just letting Sombra win? Or are you gonna tell those fears and that discount Pony of Shadows to stuff themselves? Are you gonna fight to your last breath or wait for him to rob you of it!? Are you gonna give up, or are you gonna stand with your friends and do everything you can for the land and creatures that made you everything you are!?  
Twilight: you’re right… You’re right! I’m not afraid of you, Sombra! You may knock us down. (magic-block) But we’ll get up again! (magic-parry) You’re never gonna keep us down! (beam-struggle)  
(floaty-lights)  
Sombra: What is this!? Seriously, what is going on? You don’t have the Elements or Rainbow Power or-or anything. What the heck are you pulling out of your plots this time?  
Twilight: It’s friendship.  
Rainbow: Like we told you…  
Applejack: But y’all never listen.  
all: TITLE-DROP!  
Sombra: AAAAAA, YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT EVEEEEEeeerr…!  
(stuff’s fixed)
 
Fluttershy: oo, do you want some juice?  
Ocellus: Hey, are those my pillows!?
 
Twilight: Equestria deserves a better leader than me.  
Celestia: Yup.  
Discord: Harsh!  
Celestia: Which is why maybe you no be princess-princess. Yet.  
Twilight: Delaying the inevitable always solves the problem!! Thank you so much for not forcing me to do a job I didn’t want to do.  
Rainbow: Yeah. That’s annoying when ponies do that, isn’t it?  
Twilight: What do you mean?  
Rarity: Oh, nothing, I’m sure. Say, how’s your school? The one at which we are all teachers?  
Twilight: What does that have to do…oh, right.
 
Pinkie: Suuuper odd dude.  
Discord: I heard that! Thank you.
 
Celestia: So, under your training and leadership, the Royal Guard retreated as soon as a warning horn was destroyed, allowed Sombra to march civilians into the throne room and only provided a challenge to the heroes who came to save us. And even then, largely because they didn’t want to hurt them. Is that right?  
Flash Magnus: Yes, your Highness.  
Celestia: It is ludicrous how fired you are.
 
Cozy: I’ll say something nice about centaurs. Tirek, you say something nice about changelings, and Chrysalis, you say something nice about ponies.  
Chrysalis: NEVER!  
Cozy: Don’t like ponies, huh? Sounds like someone’s got a big ol’ case of the reverse-Neighsays!  
Grogar: I hope the three of you can serve as my diversions.  
Cozy: i forgot all about him.  
Tirek: What happened to Sombra?  
Grogar: Twilight Sparkle and her friends killed him super-dead.  
Chrysalis: What!?  
Tirek: Holy crap, they’re doing that now!? but killing an enemy was only supposed to be a legend.  
Cozy: i assumed the whole storm king thing was just a one-time deal. They’ve gotten a taste for blood!  
Chrysalis: Even I never killed anyone! Sweet changeling-Jesus…  
Cozy: You mean “sweet pony Jesus”.  
Grogar: I trust you’re all still with me?  
Cozy: Are you gonna de-life us if we say no? I mean, more painfully than what happened to Sombra?  
Grogar: Yes.  
all: Then yes.
 
Spike: Wow, that’s amazing! You guys really beat Sombra with just your inner magic!?  
Twilight: We sure did. …hey, Spike. How’d you get back from the Crystal Empire? You weren’t with us when we teleported.  
Spike: Hitched a ride on Tempest. She’s doing great, by the way. We talked and caught up and sang a song and…  
Twilight: Aw, crap, we forgot to have a song in the season opener!!
 
 
@Ardashir  
Glad you enjoyed it! And now that there’s a new season on, expect more of these! And then when the series ends, none. except for eqg specials.

@lasty  
I love how bloodthirsty Rainbow “Murder is the Best Solution” Dash was getting here. XD

Uprooted
 
Rainbow: Congratulations, Silverstream! You’re officially the first ever non-pegasus Wonderbolt, which is something I’m allowed to declare you by myself! This is totally not a dream sequence!  
Silverstream: Yay! Wait a minute… I’m naked! And professor Dash is telling me to perform naked for a crowd! …does that say more about my fears or how I see her?  
Ocellus: Silverstream! Help! I’m not a big enough nerd! And finals are in an hour!  
Silverstream: Isn’t it usually ‘And prom is in an hour’?  
Ocellus: Finals are my prom! you’d never stand me up, numbers.  
Yona: AAAAAAAAAAA!! …oh, yak land safely on beach or something.  
Ocellus: It’s a sandbar.  
Yona: Yona…feel safe…on sandbar? Eh, yak sure that says nothing about friend with same name!  
Silverstream: Well, what does yak have to say about that?  
(Smolder drinks tea in that dress you all like)  
Smolder: (sip) Aaaah. (notices she’s been caught) uh…oh no, it’s my worst nightmare about that dress that makes my hips look great and this tiara that looks like Silver Spoon’s cutie mark got mangled but which still looks fabulous on me! And, gasp, a lovely cup of chamomile tea prepared just the way I, er, don’t like it!  
Ocellus: I already told them what you said in the cave.  
Smolder: Dang it, Ocellus!  
Gallus: AAAAAAAA!! Kill me if you have to, just don’t make me suffer through this terror! (Silverstream pulls him out) I mean, uh, whatevs, I can totally be in closed spaces, not…not even a thang.  
Sandbar: Guh! What an awful vision of horror!  
Nostalgia Critic: CAAAAAAT!! I mean, CAAAAAAAAAKE!!  
Treelight: Good. You are all here.
all: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Treelight: I need to talk to…
Sandbar: AWAY WITH YOU, DEMON!!
Silverstream: the storm king is dead, the storm king is dead, the tree lies, the tree lies, the tree lies, the storm king is dead..!
Ocellus: (sobs and apologizes)
Yona: Yak not going through nightmare again! Yona will smash devil-tree, if try to traumatize friends again! Even if it cost Yona her life!
Treelight: I’m not going to…
Smolder: Burn it before it casts it’s deceit spells on us! Before it drags us back into it’s twisted abyss of a prison! Before it’s too late!!
Treelight: Shut up, I’m not going to test you again. Jeez.
Ocellus: Why did you bring us here?
Gallus: And no tricks!
Treelight: I don’t care what you’ve got going on. Drop it and come look at me. Now, wake up.  
student six: Gasp! I didn’t know the Tree of Harmony could manipulate dreams. Wait, did it give us those nightmares!? I thought some of those seemed familiar! Stupid tree didn’t just give us nightmares, they weren’t even all new ones! Hate that tree.  
Yona: …and also, yak talk like pony since waking up! Better now, though.
 
(intro)
 
Twilight: Spike! I have horrible news!  
Spike: Is the Crystal Empire under attack again!? Is my statue okay!?!  
Twilight: No and yes, respectively! It’s these highlighters! There’s so few and only in orange! It’s an atrocity of unpreparedness!!  
Spike: Your reactions to this and to being made queen of Equestria are weirdly similar.  
Twilight: But how will everycreature color-code their notes!?  
Spike: I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who does that.  
Ocellus: Finally, someone else who understands the value of color-coded note-taking! Also, we’ve been summoned by the Tree of Harmony but came here first, for some reason.  
Twilight: Really? But the tree is gone. Kaput. Broken. Destroyed. Made to go bye-bye for keeps by king Sombra. Finito. The parrot from the Monty Python sketch is currently perched on it.  
Spike: She’s saying that it’s dea-  
Twilight: NO!!! It most certainly is not that word you were about to use! Notree is…that around here, what even is that word? Gibberish is what it is, stop making up crazy noises with your mouth, ha ha ha haaaa..?  
Spike: discord used it the first time you guys fought him.  
Ocellus: But doesn’t no tree mean the Everfree forest will take over Equestria!?  
Spike: Oh, we got that covered.  
Ocellus: How?  
(beat)  
Spike: …and Sombra won’t be coming back.  
Silverstream: How do you know that?  
Twilight: We friendshipped him. Reeaally hard.  
student six: Huh? (Spike drags a claw across his throat to simulate slitting it then makes a goofy dead-face) Oooh.  
Smoler: That’s a much cooler way of saying it.  
Silverstream: So, can we see the remains? …of the tree, I mean.  
Twilight: As long as you stick together. The castle isn’t as safe as it was before.  
Yona: Yak not worried. Puckwudgies nothing to yak now. Yak might slap puckwudgie for fun. Besides, Yona-friends save whole school from evil pegasus.  
Twilight: Have you gotten any stronger, faster or more durable since first encountering the puckwudgies?  
Yona: um, nerd-teacher forget to whom nerd-teacher talking? Yona is yak. Yak best. Hence, yak no can improve.  
Twilight: Your grammar is confusing. Also, if they were a threat then, they still are now. My friends and I have stopped chaos gods, corrupted alicorns and Tirek, but I still almost got eaten by plants.
 
Gallus: How could this happen!?  
Sandbar: Sombra did it, headmare Twilight told us that.  
Gallus: Oh. oh yeah.  
Ocellus: If only we hadn’t gone home for summer break!  
Obi-Wan: There’s nothing you could have done, Ocellus, had you been there. You’d have been killed, too. And the droids would now be in the hooves and hands of…whatever Grogar calls his team of villains.  
Sadbar: Wait, what about a team of villains?  
Gallus: Did he say Grogar is back!?  
Obi-Wan: Oh, crap, you don’t know about that yet. uh, I’m needed elsewheeeeeerre, oooo. (vanishes)  
Smolder: I wish Sombra was still around. So I could consider murdering him! And then realize that violence only breeds more violence and become a scary but non-lethal vigilante.  
Yona: Being Batman from Nolan movie not bring tree back.  
Silverstream: Wait! The tree talked to all of us in those nightmares it gave us! How could it do that to us if it was really gone!?  
others: We hadn’t considered that, somehow!  
Silverstream: What if we did some hippie crap to resurrect it!?  
Smolder: Eh, we live in a world of magic stones, monsters and weaponized-friendship. It’s not such a stupid idea.  
(they try it. nothing.)  
Gallus: Well, it didn’t work but at least I got to feel awkward about holding Sandbar’s hoof.  
Sandbar: I didn’t feel awkward about it.  
Gallus: guh! (pulls his claw back) If the tree is really gone, we should honor it!  
Sandbar: Maybe that’s why it called us with nightmares! It used the last of its magic to make sure we, and not our teachers, paid it our respects! …instead of for a more permanent solution to the Everfree problem. or repairing the Elements and giving them one more shot of magic. or throwing out a seed so future generations would be protected by a new tree of harmony.  
Gallus: This tree was a jerk.  
Smolder: Agreed, but let’s honor it anyway.  
Thorax: Ocellus Bugbits MctheChangeling!  
Ocellus: Gasp! He only uses my full name when I’m in real trouble! Form of, Eyed-Rock!  
Thorax: How could you just leave the Hive like that!? The last time you did that, our kingdoms almost went to war!  
Gallus: snrk.  
Smolder: What?  
Gallus: Wouldn’t Thorax look weird to someone who didn’t know the rock he was yelling at was a changeling?  
Gallus/Smolder: Snrk!  
Ocellus: Sorry, Thorax.  
Yona: Is changeling king really okay with subject calling him just by name?  
Thorax: It’s sort of the “I want to be your princi pal” school of leadership. Except this: Ocellus, you’re coming back home right this instant, young lady!  
Smolder: Wait. Can we keep her for a couple days?  
Sandbar: She’ll be useful somehow, probably.  
Twilight: Only if you do an amusing but ultimately pointless permission slip montage.  
(they do)
 
(Yona does stuff for her…mom?)  
yak: Why writer assume yak female?  
(lasty doesn’t know)
 
Ember: Cameo  
fans: Yay!  
Grandpa Gruff: Cameo.  
fans: meh.
 
Gallus: Sandbar, where’s the tree!?  
Sandbar: I got rid of it. Why keep pieces of the thing we’re doing all this to pay tribute to?  
others: Sandbar!  
(Sandbar shrugs good-naturedly at the camera)  
Sandbar: Whuh-oh, I do’d it again!  
(canned laughter)  
announcer: That’s Our Sandbar! will return after these messages!  
Smolder: Seriously, though, that was dumb.
 
Ocellus: How can we remember the tree if it’s completely gone!?  
Sandbar: Oh, it’s not completely gone. (he shows them the sapling) Look, it’s a new tree.  
others: Sandbar!  
Sandbar: Whuh-oh, I do’d it again!  
(canned laughter)  
Smolder: Enough with the sitcom-esque likable, well-meaning idiocy!  
Yona: Pony heart in right place. But pony brain up pony butt.  
Gallus: The cave was supposed to stay exactly the same so creatures could remember the Tree of Harmony as it was! Which I’m sure I’ll continue to want throughout this episode!  
Smolder: Hey. What if, instead of doing a bad job of honoring this thing like Sandbar did with his stupid little tree, we do a good job of it!  
Silverstream: Yes! We’ll use art to convey the feelings of its life and Equestria’s loss!  
Gallus: No! It should be a museum with all the tree’s history and artifacts! wow, only took two lines to change what I insisted on.  
Smolder: Or a big monument, so everycreature knows how powerful the tree was! Maybe it could breathe fire and have a recording chanting “Remember me!”. First one to bring back a hundred slaves wins a cookie, ready go!  
Ocellus: Or! We make it a place of tranquility and reflection.  
Yona: Yak not make own suggestion. That way, yak can be voice of reason later.
 
Gallus: Welcome to the grave site of the Tree of Harmony! Born from the savage coupling of a basilisk, Celestia’s grandmother and sweet griffon-Jesus Himself! Raised by a pack of literate coyotes who escaped from one of Starswirl’s many magically-induced hallucinations when he needed to take the edge off! Owner of several photographs of Songbird Serenade getting out of a carriage with her hindlegs open wide enough to see something! This tree once got up out of the ground, turned the moon into a shield and straightened the rings of planet Marecury _{not to be confused with mercury} into a sword to do battle with, uh…Freeza!  
tourist: eeh, i dunno…  
Gallus: Majin Freeza!  
tourists: Oooo!  
Yona: Why griffon make lasty regret using “why you always lyin’” song so recently, so no can use it now?  
Gallus: The best way to make sure something gets all the credit it deserves is to give it too much credit after it’s gone. Standard funeral procedure.  
Yona: And is griffon profiting from tree destruction?  
Gallus: Well, I am still a griffon. Also, screw Sandbar’s sapling. And now, tourists! Follow me to the wondrous Cave of Harmony! In which the Tree once wrestled fifty hydras and then totally touched boob!
 
Yona: What dragon doing?  
Smolder: Remember that thing I said we should do to honor the tree? That, I’m doing that.  
Yona: Look like punching rock.  
Smolder: Please give a screencap of me blushing and yelling a tsundere-style caption!! But you know, it’s hard. I’m…starting to forget what grandpa looked like.  
Yona: Dragon mean “what tree look like”.  
Smolder: We both know what this episode is really about.  
Yona: But not why episode about us, instead of apple ponies.  
Smolder: We can only come so close to acknowledging… it.
 
Silverstream: Oh no! Brown isn’t an Element of Harmony!  
Yona: That offensive.
 
(Yona helps lift a giant fountain with one leg)  
(Smolder flies carrying a heavy rock sculpture)  
Sandbar: which of them is supposed to be “the strong one” of this group?
 
all but Yona: Standard “everything’s gone bad between friends” argument!  
Silverstream: If only someone could be the voice of reason!  
Yona: Quiet!  
Silverstream: Yay! Only voices of reason loudly demand silence! wait, do they?  
Yona: Friends doing this the wrong way! Changeling nerd. Museum for nerd. Changeling should be one to suggest museum.  
Ocellus: _{i’m not just a nerd.}  
Yona: Yes, changeling is. Griffon, it funnier joke if you like paint. Viewer not suspect griffon artistic. Hippogriff, same, but for half-sleeping place.  
Ocellus: Meditation garden.  
Yona: Those not different. Pony plant small tree, but not consider what happen when tree get big in cave.  
Sandbar: I consider that all the time! in a metaphorical, not safe for this channel sorta way.  
Yona: Dragon known for greed, like griffon. But griffon doing art for comedy. Dragon should be trying to make profit.  
Smolder: You’re not wrong.  
Gallus: You know, we have names.  
Yona: Yak not care. Friends, do other friend thing!  
Silverstream: It could work!  
Gallus: Wow. I can’t believe we just got schooled by a yak.  
Yona: Yak know suggestions good, just not perfect fit for friend who made them. So if friends work together on other idea, we can- wait, that fuck griffon just say?  
Sandbar: I don’t like the way you said “yak”.
 
(they try each other’s ideas. big failure)  
Yona: Ow, yak horn on fire! Yak find cart of tree parts. Friends just want build clubhouse?  
all: (weak, pained murmuring of near-indifferent acceptance)  
Gallus: Sandbar had the tree pieces in here the whole time? ugh, i’m too tired and woozy from blood-loss to be mad.  
Sandbar: whuh-oh, i do’d it…whatever. ow.  
Silverstream: My fins hurt, and I don’t even have those right now!
 
(clubhouse, go!)
 
Silverstream/Ocellus/Sandbar: ♫But good-bye isn’t foreveeer!♫  
Silverstream: ♫Although in the Storm King’s case, I really hope it iiiis!♫ I’m glad he’s dead!  
Yona: ♫Hey, Silverstream. I think tha-♫  
Gallus: I knew you knew about using ‘I’ as a pronoun!
 
Treelight: Stop. What is this?  
Sandbar: We made a tree-house out of the Tree of Harmony. That way, we could all spend time together in it, as friends.  
Treelight: How horrifying. That was my body. You covered my beautiful remains in tape and glue. Is this paint? Were the colors of my legendary crystalline facets not enough for you? I wanted you all to take a small bit of me to carry with you, so you would always remember me. This is an atrocity. Is this truly how the Tree of Harmony ends up? Is my monument, my grave, really to be a shack for young teens to play spin the bottle in? my legacy is… no. no…  
Smolder: Yona told us to do it!  
Yona: Dragon say she know tree would like it!  
Treelight: Dragon wrong. I mean, Smolder, you were wrong. Yona has got me talking like that now. Bleh. Bleh. Smolder was wrong.  
Gallus: Yeah. Calling us by species instead of by name is weird. (looks at Yona) Isn’t it?  
Treelight: This is very disappointing. If you were going to make my corpse into a tree-house, you could have at least made it non-crappy. Like this. (tree-house eats like 10 super mushrooms from Mario Bros.) If you want a proper monument, you have to build/become it yourself. As long as I’m here, you may draw security and inspiration from me.  
Smolder: So what you’re saying is, you’re not going to die?  
Treelight: I will live on.  
Gallus: And so we just went through all that to build you a memorial…why?  
Treelight: To bond.  
Ocellus: We were already good friends.  
Treelight: But not good enough.  
Sandbar: Couldn’t we have just bonded by having a bake sale or something?  
Silverstream: That could have spread friendship through the whole town!  
Treelight: Yes, but it wouldn’t have been a problem for you all. I like only one of you. Have fun figuring out who is favored by Harmony incarnate, chumps. (disappears)  
Twilight: I felt someone using the d-word! Did anyone in the audience hear it!? Also, holy princess-pony-poop, what the fudge is that? It’s caused major damage to the Castle of the Two Sisters!  
Smolder: We don’t know. And you don’t know. So, nobody knows.  
Ocellus: We made something out of the tree. Something crappier than this, that turned into this.  
Twilight: You resurrected the Tree of Harmony!? WITCHCRAFT!!  
Spike: BURN THEM!! Except for Smolder.  
Smolder: I knew you had a crush on m-  
Spike: FIRE WON’T KILL HER! DROWN HER!!  
lasty: this is starting to get away from me.  
Twilight: You resurrected the Tree of Harmony!? That’s amazing!  
Gallus: And it makes for a cool place to hang out.  
Twilight: I think it’s more than that.  
Smolder: After all this, it better be.  
Twilight: Why don’t we all go in? Together.  
(laughing)  
Gallus: What are we laughing at?  
Sandbar: That warning about this place being unsafe never really amounted to anything, did it?  
Spike: Did Sombra destroying the tree matter?  
Smolder: So, can I eat this tree-house, or..?  
Ocellus: And why do we never see headmare Twilight and fake-headmare Twilight at the same time?  
Obi-Wan: *Ooooo!*

@lasty  
Hilarious! I especially love how you handled Smolder, but really, this may be better than the actual episode.

Twilight’s Seven
 
Spike: Twilight! Look at the scroll I just got!  
Twilight: Spike, you’re supposed to hide those kinds of scrolls, not show them off to me. Also, don’t show those off to me! I don’t need to see your spank mater- oh, it’s something else. Gasp! It’s the thing I could be calling by name but I’m not to confuse Starlight!  
Starlight: I’m confused.  
Twilight: _yes! It’s the Sibling Supreme Crown! Back when Shining Armor and I were small instead of just Little, we were always super, super-competitive over it!  
Starlight: Wait, I thought you two “♪never had a single fight♪”.  
Twilight: Oh, those weren’t fights. They were just games. Where we both felt a deep need to win. And whoever didn’t, felt bad after being proven inferior. Which we never grew out of, even though we’re both adults with royal titles. And sometimes punches were thrown, totally not a fight!  
Twilight/Spike: Remember: redefinition avoids contradictions!  
Starlight: …sure. So, hey, why did someone send you a photo of hat-shaped tin foil? Well, not ‘someone’, it would have to either be Shining Armor or someone holding it for ransom.  
Twilight: Shining Armor wants me to come to Canterlot for one last not-fight! Winner-take-all, if ‘all’ entails the crown and nothing else!
 
Celestia: Twilight. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to break into Canterlot Castle and steal the Best Sibling Crown.  
Luna: I was hoping to use the “your mission is to infiltrate Outer Heaven” speech, but I guess we’re not doing that!  
Shining: I’ve really out-…  
Luna: Bint.  
Shining: …outdone myself with this one. I gathered pieces of Chrysalis’ magic-eliminating throne and used them to create a magic-proof barrier.  
Spike: How?  
Shining: With magic!  
Spike: But even Discord couldn’t use magic within half a mile of it.  
Shining: I know, that’s why I had Starswirl use simple levitation to pick them up and then weave them into a barrier around a single tower!  
Spike: Okay, this goes against every Starswirl fan-fic Twilight ever forced me to say I liked, but I’m pretty sure he’s not more powerful than Discord.  
Twilight: i have no assistant!  
Shining: No, see, when the throne broke, the pieces could be touched by magic.  
Spike: …while still retaining enough magic-cancelling ability to be useful as a barrier against…magic?  
Shining: Yes, moving on, I bricked up the very accessible, anti-hidden entrances to the passageways into the castle lying around Canterlot. One’s right next to a juice bar, where any old pony wasted off of hard grape juice could wander into either the throne room or the labyrinth that will be their unmarked grave. Then, I revamped all the doors so they could only be opened by a Royal Guard badge.  
Twilight: plan forming…  
Shining: You can’t fly in, either. I’ve installed giant fans around the castle to prevent it.  
Twilight: plan forming…  
Shining: And then, I filled the throne room with geese that don’t look like geese! Their honking can be heard throughout the castle.  
Twilight: Plan formed.  
Shining: Ha! Yeah, right. You’ll never get through in a million years, Twiley. I’m just too amazing.  
Twilight: Ha ha, yeah, hey, remember a couple weeks ago when Sombra took over the Crystal Empire and all you could do was make a snarky remark while your infant daughter fought back his minions?  
Shining: …yeah.  
Twilight: Yeah, how ‘bout you un-smug that smirk a few notches, hm?
 
Twilight: So, anyway, I have a plan to defeat Shining Armor’s new security completely and win the crown I’ve always cared about a lot but never even alluded to, kind of like Shining Armor himself before I got the wedding invitation. Pinkie, you grab the attention you so desperately crave. Applejack, you’ll buck your way into those tunnels.  
Applejack: Buck as in kick, or like how the fans use it as a pony-swear?  
Twilight: Up to you. Rainbow Dash, fly past the fans.  
Rainbow: Then what?  
Twilight: Rarity, make some guard disguises. Metalworking is the same as fashion, right?  
Rarity: In a cartoon, it is.  
Twilight: Fluttershy, shut those geese up. And that’s everyone we need!  
Spike: Wait, what about me? Also, didn’t Starlight have an almost-invisibility spell? Or the combo spell where she can do Shadow Clone jutsu?  
Fluttershy: it’s ‘kage bunshin no jutsu’, you fake-nerd.  
Rarity: It’ll fail. You will fail. Everything will fail! unless…  
Twilight: _{everypony’s a strategist…} Okay, I’ll bite. Unless..?  
Rarity: Your brother will be expecting you to make a plan.  
Twilight: And I did!  
Rarity: What he won’t be expecting is for you to not make a plan!  
Twilight: Well, I kind of…  
Tabitha St. Germaine: Shadow Spade was fun, let’s do that for me.  
Ashleigh Ball: I like singing, can Applejack sing something?  
Andrea Libman: Pinkie’s plan should be silly. Like going to space in a hot air balloon. Oh, and do some kind of different visual style for her! That’s always fun. And for Fluttershy’s opposite thing…claustrophobia?  
Nicole Dubuc: Isn’t that just a fear? Which isn’t really opposite for Fluttershy?  
Gallus: and a fear somecreature already has, once as an important character moment…  
Andrea Libman: What if she wasn’t afraid for herself, but for…didn’t she get trapped before?  
Josh Haber: uuuuhhh…yeah, think so.  
Andrea Libman: Do something with that. And she can wear the dangerous mission costume. People liked that.  
Josh Haber: Heck yeah, they did!  
Cathy Weseluck: Could Spike be clever in this one? And revisit the adopted thing from that one with his not-dad?  
Nicole Dubuc: Ashleigh, what do you wanna do for Rainbow Dash?  
Ashleigh Ball: I don’t know, uh…what was Rarity’s deal?  
Nicole Dubuc: Shadow Spade.  
Ashleigh Ball: Rainbow can be like…Watson or something.  
Josh Haber: Not…really the same thing, but I get what you mean. Tara?  
Tara Strong: (typing on her phone) _{…there! Take that tweet, mr. so-called politician!}  
Josh Haber: uh, Tara?  
Tara Strong: Hm? Oh, uh, Twilight figures it out. you’re next, other hot-button issue! Now, this is why people follow prolific voice-performers; sorta-informed political commentary! (she and Tabitha fist-bump in agreement, lasty stops before dragging other VAs into this)
 
Apple Cored. or Chord: So, who here’s from Canterlot? (a few hooves go up)  
guard: WOOO, CANTERLOT ROCKS!!  
Apple Cored: Sure does. I been to Canterlot quite a few times, myself. Wrote a song ‘bout it! Like to hear? Here it go. ♪ _♪ ♪ _♪ ♪ _♪ I went into Canterlot citaaay! Distracted guards wit’ mah persona. Haaaaaaa-aa-aaaa!  
guard: Wow, what an attention-demanding performance we weren’t informed would happen on this, the day we’re assigned to protect the castle like our captain had something to prove to his little sister.  
guard2: I suspect nothing untoward about this!  
guard: Yeah! Hey, did you hear that Luna said the city was left unprotected against Sombra, even though we were all here? Wonder what she meant by that.
 
(Luna posts Zephyr Breeze at the passage’s entrance)  
Zephyr: But I keep tellin’ ya, I’m just a mane-stylist! A fabulous, talented and amazing one, granted, but that’s not really a qualification for guard duty.  
Luna: Guard this wall and I shall make all of Rainbow Dash’s retorts of “in your dreams” quite factual.  
Zephyr: …well, I for one completely understood what you just said, but, uh, could you maybe clarify for…the bricks? (Luna whispers to him) …and she’s okay with you having a dream-puppet do that with me?  
Luna: Do you really care?  
Zephyr: After all the clearly-unwanted hugs, touches and closeness I’ve given her? …yeah, sorta, that was some intense stuff you just whispered.  
Luna: You can dream of her or you and I can re-enact Nightmare on Elm Street. And not the pre-marital coupling parts.  
Zephyr: Guard duty, it is.  
Rainbow: Why would Luna make him a guard? He sucks, I hate him on a personal level and if I’d seen him under Sombra’s control, I would have performed a mercy-killing! With a smile!  
some fans: ♪I don’t care! I ship it! I don’t care!♪  
Rainbow: clearly. This guy is dumb, weird and totally obsessed with me!  
Rarity: This is perfect! You can distract him with…all those things about you he likes.  
Rainbow: Exactly! It is perfect. Too perfect! Shining Armor finds out I’m part of this mission and suddenly, someone I can easily distract is a guard? That doesn’t make sense!  
Ashleigh Ball: Hey, she and I have a point, that doesn’t make a lot of sense.  
Nicole Dubuc: It will.  
Ahsleigh Ball: ooo…kay…  
Rainbow: Hey (retch) Zephyr. I…totally never tried to learn Avada Kedavra with the hopes of being able to kill you and go unsuspected of it.  
Zephyr: I knew you loved me deeply.  
Rainbow: hate you so much..!  
some fans: ♪I don’t care!♪
 
Fluttershy: now we just have to grab the crown and…aaa, the trapdoor shining armor showed us the location of! if only spike and i could fly upward, aaa!
 
Rarity: Oh, hello, Spike.  
Fluttershy: i’m here, too.  
Rarity: Pulling levers when you have no idea what they might do is foolish! Isn’t that right, Spike?  
Fluttershy: i-i also have input on this.  
Rarity: Spike!? What are you doing down here, all alone with nopony next to you!?  
Fluttershy: this would be a really odd way to compliment the stealhiness of her own design, if spike weren’t wearing one, too. but since he is, i don’t know what she’s doing.
 
Spike: Since we all failed, how about we do things the Twilight way?  
Twilight: Panicking about the unexpected?  
Spike: No, making as many things into the expected as possible. The other ‘Twilighting’.  
Twilight: It looks like that’ll have to do. Thanks for the acknowledgment of my brilliance, Spike.  
Spike: What are little brothers for? Hug?  
(Twilight opens her front legs for a hug, then pulls back when Spike approaches, using one leg to smooth her mane back)  
Twilight: Ha ha, chump. Anyway, time to enact my plan.
 
Shining: So, come to give up, Twiley?  
Twilight: Yes. You win, we can’t get through your defenses. And if we can’t, I doubt anyone else could. They’re infiltration-proof!  
Shining: Aw, don’t feel too bad, sis. Just because I own you! Who’s the best? Who’s the best? Who’s kind of a jerk, suddenly? That’s right, it’s me! It’s me! (does a little dance)  
Twilight: Well, I’ll leave you to…all that. (the mane seven leave)  
Rainbow: Your plan was to give up!?  
Twilight: Wait for it…
 
(a week later)
 
Shining: You wanted to see me, princess?  
Celestia: Yes! Your guard-only locks have made getting around the castle a pain! I’m on my seventeenth secretary, since they keep falling through that trapdoor! Those fans blow everything around and make it impossible for the pegasi to place any clouds over the city! The pieces of throne creep me out and are a constant reminder of how easy it was to be captured and cocooned! The geese are constantly honking at nothing and their… leavings have coated the floor and walls! Just coated them! The castle windows haven’t been cleaned in a week! I can’t take meetings, since nobody can get in and neither can I if the guards are distracted by something. As they pretty much always are!  
Shining: But they make you safe.  
Celestia: They make me annoyed. Remove them immediately.  
(he does. Twilight sneaks in easily and steals the crown. …and also puts Shining’s hoof in warm water while he sleeps)  
Twilight: All too easy.
 
Alternate alternate scene. Or…
 
Rainbow: I can’t believe this worked!  
Spike: Sometimes the best plan is the one you expect!  
Twilight: That’s stupid. What you said there was stupid. Now, all I have to do is announce out loud that I’m going to fly over to the crown so I can grab it and win, and then do what I said I was going to do! Here I go!  
Shining: Not so fast! I gotta admit, it was unexpected for you to do exactly what I expected you to do.  
Twilight: Congratulations, Spike, you no longer have the episode’s dumbest line.  
Shining: Maybe not. But I still won!  
Celestia: It would appear that Shining Armor’s gloating is earned. He is the victor in this elaborate and expensive plan to retain a cheaply-made crown that he already had.  
Spike: It would appear that way. But it’s not! …that way!  
Shining: Spike!? How did you do that!?  
Spike: Remember before when Celestia and Luna were talking about the disagreement they had? Well, when everyone should have been able to see me except for the camera, she and I made an alliance. She forced Zephyr into being a guard, I slashed Pinkie’s balloon…  
Pinkie: Well, that was kind of a pre-redemption Gilda thing to do.  
Spike: …and now, she’s teleported the crown to me!  
Celestia: Luna, is this true!?  
Luna: It is. I was so slightly irritated at being disagreed with that I sided with Spike.  
Celestia: it’s mock-treason…then.  
Twilight: But why?  
Spike: I’ve always wanted you and Shining Armor to consider me your little brother.  
Twilight: Wait, I thought you wanted me to be your mom.  
Shining: Oh, Spike. We always thought of you as a brother.  
Spike: You did?  
Twilight: Sure. Why do you think I keep ignoring you and using you for free labor? Being a little brother sucks!  
Spike: yeah…but it’s my suck!  
Twilight: sure, okay. (hug, then surprise kick in Spike’s ass) Ha ha! You’re so corny, you loser!  
Shining: ‘Ooo, look at me! I’m Spike! Can I pweeeaaase be yo’ widdoo bwuthoo? I can’t do anything wiv’out vawidatoion, oo!’  
Twilight: Hey, Rarity, my stupid little brother likes you! He begged me not to tell you, but I am! Isn’t that the lamest thing you’ve ever heard!? What a dork!  
Rarity: Normally, I would find his crush bothersome yet flattering. Now that he’s officially my friend’s little brother, however, ha ha ha ha, like he even has a chance with me! Gross little troll! Ha ha ha ha!  
Twilight: Right!? Here, read his diary! He thinks I don’t know about this one, so he’s more open in it! Loser!  
Shining: (punches Spike) Don’t rub it! Only wussies do that, and wussies get punched twice as hard! Now, gimme your allowance! I’m gonna go buy hard grape juice. And if you tell mom and dad, you’re dead, twerp! (Spike gives him bits) Yeah, that’s what I thought, you little wuss. My room better be clean by the time I get back, or mom’ll find those scrolls under your bed somehow. Come on, Spearhead. (Spearhead smacks Spike in the back of the head as he walks past)  
Twilight: Welcome to official little brother status, dork!  
Spike: And welcome to middle-kid status, Twilight.  
Twilight: W-what!?  
Spike/Shining: Pile on the middle-kid!!  
Twilight: AAAAAA!!
 
Twilight: …and that’s how that turned out. Spike got the crown, and the princesses were mad.  
Starlight: So everything I did during that whole cutie mark swap fiasco was…  
Twilight: …pointless, yes.  
(and maybe Spike putting on the crown makes him Spikette or something)

@lasty  
Oh man this is a masterpiece. I was laughing out loud during this one. I love how it raised some of the awkward questions that came to mind while watching it and did so in a genuinely funny fashion.
 
Seriously, it’s amazing.

there was a bad joke here but it’s gone now

Twilight’s Seven
 
Dash: “Okay, but you could have put ANY random idiot at that door! Why him? Why, out of all the ponies in Equestria, did it have to be Zephyr Breeze? I feel like I need a shower just from hearing his voice.”
 
Luna: “Exactly.”
 
Dash: “…You’re not still mad that I called dibs on the dream thing, are you?”