A New Change #1 Sunset Shimmer's Shock(NSFW?)

Sunset-Peril
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2018) - Celebrated Derpibooru's six year anniversary with friends.
Artist -

This page is for A New Change #1 You are welcome to state an opion. If you dont like Sunset, Flash, or EqG in general, I suggest you stay off the page. Set a few days after Legend of Everfree, images are under the “a new change” tab. Enjoy!
Sunset-Peril
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2018) - Celebrated Derpibooru's six year anniversary with friends.
Artist -

Sunset Shimmer’s Shock  
Chapter 1: After returning from Camp Everfree, Sunset Shimmer was glad to be home. For a week at a wilderness camp, that was very stressful! She thought; walking through the familiar halls of Canterlot High School and into the gym. She was helping Pinkie Pie with the next school function. “Hey Pinkie! What can I help with?” Sunset called out to her friend across the room. “Sunset! I’m so glad to see you!” Pinkie said excitedly “Maybe you can help with the balloons, no wait you’d POP all of them!” Pinkie told Sunset; winking at her. “Yeah that would be a bad idea Pinkie!” Sunset told her friend. “Can I help them out at the stage?” She asked; noticing Snips and Snails were having a little trouble. “Absolutely! Always good to help each other out.” Pinkie told her as she walked over. “Good morning Sunset!” Snips greeted her “Morning you guys! Need any help?” She responded. Both the younger boys nodded. “Umm I think someone is trying to get you attention Sunset.” Snails then told her after seeing a figure waving franticly. Nodding; Sunset walked over to whoever it was. “Oh hi Nurse Redheart! What do you need?” she asked the nurse. “I have the results of the examination from when you got back from Everfree and I don’t think you’re going to like it.” Nurse Redheart hesitantly said. “Is it anything serious?” Sunset Shimmer asked; wondering what was going on inside her body. “You could say that.” Nurse Redheart told the teen. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?” Sunset asked through clenched teeth; she was getting louder. Holding out a clipboard where Sunset could read it; Nurse Redheart watched Sunset read the diagnosis from the medical center: Name: Sunset Shimmer, Gender: Female, Age: 17, Diagnosis: Pregnancy. Sunset stumbled back in surprise as Nurse Redheart told her “You’re pregnant!” Chapter 2: Don’t pass out don’t pass out don’t pass out don’t pass out DO NOT PASS OUT! So you’re going to have a baby, Shimmer NO BIG DEAL! You’re JUST going to carry a new human being inside you for 9 months before going into labor and THAT will HURT and it might hurt a little when it starts moving inside you but that is NO REASON TO PASS OUT! Sunset Shimmer thought-told herself; she could only find the strength to say one short sentence so she asked “Who’s the father?” Sunset asked “Flash Sentry.” Nurse Redheart dipped her head and admitted before Sunset lost it and passed out. “Whoa! What happened to Sunset?” Pinkie asked after running over; cradling an unconscious Sunset Shimmer. The 2 boys ran over “Is Sunset alright?” Snips asked. “I’ll let HER tell you WHEN she’s ready.” Nurse Redheart told Pinkie. “But we need to take her to the principal’s office till she wakes up.” Picking Sunset Shimmer up, Nurse Redheart brought her to the office where Celestia was just fine with watching her. Chapter 3: After about 10 minutes passed Sunset woke up “What happened?” she asked. “We don’t know but Redheart brought you in here unconscious so we’re worried. What happened out there? Do you have a clue?” Luna asked Sunset. “Umm yeah I do. I found out about something life-changing and I just lost it and fainted.” Sunset Shimmer admitted to the 2 principals. “WHAT did you find out that was life-changing? Celestia asked her. “I just found out that I’m pregnant.” Sunset Shimmer told them as Luna covered her mouth in shock. “One of our Wondercolts is expecting a baby!?” Celestia asked her student. Sunset nodded. “Yes, Principal Celestia. I’m carrying a baby.” “OOOH! Can I plan a baby shower for you?” Luna seemed to have recovered. “I’d appreciate that very much Vice Principal Luna.” Sunset told her. “But please enlist Pinkie when I tell her alright?” Sunset checked. “Alright” she agreed. “And this will be OUR secret until I want to tell people got it?” she asked them as they agreed but Sunset told Flash the next day.
Sour Grapes
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Not a Llama - Happy April Fools Day!

Hmm. Your story seems to have an interesting premise, but it needs work. There a couple flaws I’d like to point out.
 
The formatting is non-existent. I’m pretty much just reading a wall of text. There are no paragraphs or line breaks, it’s just clumped together, which can definitely turn people away from reading it. When a different character speaks, make a new paragraph for that character. Indent at the beginning of a new event or chapter. Those are a few things you can do to help make the story look more presentable.
 
The pacing is too quick, and lacks a real set up. Most of the scenarios happen too quickly, without giving the reader much time to digest what is happening. One such example of this is during the moment when Nurse Redheart comes in to inform Sunset of her pregnancy. Something simple, such as making mention of having an initial test prior to her coming in would make the story flow more naturally.
 
Most of the descriptions don’t display any emotive language. There’s moments where the characters are displayed doing an action, like lifting up another or asking Sunset what had happened, but how they did it isn’t shown. Adding these descriptions will give the story life, thus making it easier for the reader to follow along with how the characters are feeling. In other words, show, don’t tell.
 
Overall, you have some nice ideas, but you just need to work on your storytelling and formatting a fair bit.
Sour Grapes
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Not a Llama - Happy April Fools Day!

@Fanfic Queen  
I’m not a writer myself, but I can probably change some stuff up to fit my examples.
 
 
@Fanfic Queen  
Sunset walked over to whoever it was. “Oh hi Nurse Redheart! What do you need?” she asked the nurse. “I have the results of the examination from when you got back from Everfree and I don’t think you’re going to like it.” Nurse Redheart hesitantly said. “Is it anything serious?” Sunset Shimmer asked; wondering what was going on inside her body. “You could say that.”
 
I would write the following like this:
 
When Sunset looked behind her to see who Snails was pointing to, she saw the familiar sight of Nurse Redheart walking down the narrow hallway into the room she was standing in. “Good morning, Sunset,” Redheart said as she walked in, a mild look of concern apparent on her face.
 
“Uh, hi,” Sunset replied somewhat anxiously. She had remembered that prior to attending Camp Everfree, she checked in with the nurse to have an ultrasound. In her mind, she was dreading the result. Redheart was holding a clipboard which contained the official results of Sunset’s ultrasound scan.
 
Her face said it all. “I’ve procured the results for the ultrasound you had last week,” Redheart confirmed, taking a second to continue on, “although, it may come as a shock to you.” Unfortunately for Sunset, this didn’t help her worries in any way.
 
“Is this… serious?” Sunset inquired, lightly scratching her arm while waiting anxiously for her inevitable results. The nurse poked around with her clipboard until she found the official results of the scan.
 
“I would say so.”
 
 
It’s only a small part, but I hope it gives you a good idea of the formatting and structure.
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