Viewing last 25 versions of post by DarkObsidian in topic [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

I'd like to be as willing as you people here to talk about things like this. But I'm not. I am nothing special. I'm not even crazy. I just struggle with the statements of therapists of any kind who tell me that they cannot help me because I already know everything.


 
But I don't know anything! Least of all how I can help myself. I just stumble from one situation to another. I am completely unable to help myself, even though I actually know everything. It's like I perceive everything as just a player in a video game. I have no direct reference to my feelings, nor to reality. I neglect so many things and cannot even express my anger when I am alone. How I'd love to just punch something.


 
I'm trapped in a body that doesn't seem to belong to me. And only when I have drunk enough can I experience something like freedom. This has already cost me several relationships and friendships. I'm lost in myself. And unable to help myself. And I'm afraid to pull the ultima ratio.


 
I neither want to kill myself (I _*love_* myself too much for that) nor do I want to be taken to a mental asylum where they lock me away. But I can't find anyone who can really help me either. Let alone being able to not think about my dead comrades. I would just like to be able to break out of my current situation. But that would mean going down with blazing guns or sacrificing my innermost self. But I'm not ready for either one or the other.