V… damn…

It’s a fucking battle, every time
 
at every turn the person I’m talking to seeks to thwart me by requesting info I don’t have or by subtly passing the initiation of some obscure stupid social protocol that I have to respond to
 
and I’m always on the defensive, trying to out-maneuver the person by answering their questions in a manner that doesn’t give myself away
 
or they bluff by implying that we’ve had some previous interaction and they begin going on about some event, knowing all the while this shit never happened, and to counter this I have to pretend I know what they’re talking about
 
and to strengthen their bluff they throw in a little true information (like their knowledge of my first name) to make it seem to everyone else that they’re genuine and I’m being rude or stupid
 
yet in truth I have never met this person before ever
 
which is why you have to watch what you say around people so carefully
 
when they say “How are you” they’re trying to appear friendly and caring when in reality what they’re doing is attempting to gain information they have no right to so that later they can leverage it against you and/or pass it through their system of cohorts
 
knowledge of your enemy is the most effective weapon, which is why it’s good practice to not get into lengthy conversations with strangers
 
and somehow when you’re an adult, you’re instantly savvy in this system  
like my mother can step into a conversation and immediately begin attacking the enemy, putting him on the defensive and keeping him off balance, all while appearing polite and amiable and gaining information about him
 
modern society is just like this. Especially in highly populated areas. Every social interaction is a complicated battle truth and falsehood
 
and you ask me why I don’t like people

What if they require information I don’t have  
What if they invoke social protocols I’m not familiar with
 
I need a detailed contingency diagram for every expeditionary phone call I make
 
and it’s always fraught with crippling nervousness
 
I usually end up handing the phone to my mom. Parents just seem to be able to drop into any social situation and immediately start succeeding no matter what.

Shy people are the best people.  
And yes, I hate using the phone.

This is me. Seriously if I don’t know you I cannot talk to you on the phone. It’s weird.