The small apartment was dark and quiet in the night, yet Felix couldn’t sleep. Travel jitters kept his eyes wide open as his fluttering heart wouldn’t settle down. Less than a day from now, and he’d have to take the train home again.

It would be fine. He’d done it once, and he and Moony had planned and written everything up again. He could do it.

Even though the start had been rocky, by sheer determination the two weeks he’d been there since had been fun. Moony did have schoolwork she had to do and lessons she had to attend, but the rest of the days they’d been inseparable. They’d gone to a different restaurant almost each night –Felix vowed to send her a beginner’s recipe book once he got home– and most of them had been delicious. He couldn’t eat like that all the time –while all the places had things he could eat, he actually needed to keep a very careful balance which he hadn’t paid that much attention to– but these two weeks he’d been cheating.

They’d also gone to see a lot of the touristy places in Manehattan together; museums, the park, the Crystaller Building, open air markets… He’d made Moony show him her university, even if she insisted it was boring. She had been right –there was nothing to do for him except look at buildings– but he’d liked seeing where she spent most of her time. On the days Moony didn’t have any classes they’d taken the ferry out to the Mare Statue, gone to the zoo and shopped –including at Moony’s mom’s store. The employees had fawned over them which Moony had found a bit embarrassing, much to Felix’ glee. Moony had laso said she’d wanted to take him to a musical on Bridleway too, but by the time she’d known he was coming, she hadn’t been able to get tickets.

…Okay, reminiscing didn’t much help his nerves. Urk. His heart still beat fast and his stomach fluttered in worry. …Actually, it did more than that in worry, and he had to sneak up to go to the bathroom for what felt like the hundredth time that night. He winced as he had to flush and then wash his claws, hoping he wasn’t waking Moony up with all his noise.

He needn’t worry though; a pair of eyes were staring at him from the darkness. Most ponies wouldn’t be able to see them, but the faint light was enough for the eyes to stand out like beacons in the night to him. Enough so that he practically jumped out of his skin from the shock of it; he hadn’t expected her to be up.

Moony was sitting on the stairs to the loft bed, sprawled out in a position that didn’t look very comfortable to Felix.

“Oh, stars,” he whispered, putting a claw over his chest. “You scared me, Moony.”

She blinked slowly. “Sorry,” she murmured back, after a second.

“..are you okay?” Felix asked, approaching gently. She seemed a bit out of it. Maybe she’d had a bad dream?

Moony stared at him as he came closer, before shaking her head as if to dislodge thoughts from her brain. “…Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” She gave him a half-hearted grin. “Just gonna miss you, you know?”

He’d reached the stairs where she sat, so he slowly sank down to the floor next to her. “I’ll miss you too,” he said softly. “But I can come back, now. And you’ll come home over Hearth’s Warming! We’ll see each other soon again.”

She just nodded hesitantly and didn’t meet his eyes.

“…but I think… Moony, is there something else?” He put a gentle claw on her knee. “Did you have a bad dream or something?”

Moony turned to stare at his claw. Her ears flicked up and down, and she rubbed her front hooves together. Her tail was trapped under her, but he could see it jerking as she tried to flick it around. It was when her teeth started to clack together that Felix grew really worried. “Moony?” He stood up so he was at her eye-level.

“It’s just…” she said, a bit breathlessly, blinking her eyes quickly. “It’s just… just that I–”

She gasped and shook her head, biting her lip. “It’s just about…” Deep breath. “Discord! It’s just- just the same thing again. About Discord.”

Felix stared at her for a few seconds, then nodded carefully. “…Right.” It made sense, but the way she’d spoken so quickly those last bits, and now was staring at him, he felt like it wasn’t…

…or maybe he was just overthinking it.

“Right. It– it was a lot I mean.” He sighed. “It’s been two weeks since, but I’m still not sure how I feel about it.”

Moony grimaced, but nodded. “Y-yeah. Me too. And um–” She lifted and waved a hoof around. “…since you’re leaving tomorrow, it’ll be a while before we can speak face-to-face again.”

“At least the moon-and-a-half until Hearth’s Warming,” Felix agreed glumly.

Moony cringed a bit. “I’m just not sure if I want to speak yet, but I’m afraid I’ll regret it if I don’t.”

Felix decided to just squeeze her knee. If she decided she wanted to speak, he’d listen. Otherwise, he’d be content to just stand there until she felt better.

“…I never spoke to him before the roof,” Moony finally murmured. “But you’d seen him before, right?”

She didn’t have to specify who he was.

“He visited me sometimes. And he’d often have tea with Momma, of course. But he’d visit just me a few times a year or so.” Felix sighed. “He’d often ask how my magic was going, but I just thought he was being polite or curious.” He gave a humorless grin. “…turns out he had a lot more personal reasons, huh.”

Moony looked at him, and furrowed her brow. “…do you have any idea why he never said anything about it?”

He hadn’t expected that question, so he jerked back a bit.

“I mean,” Moony quickly hurried to amend. “He just kept talking around the subject with me, but you’ve met him a lot so I thought you might have any… theories…?”
“Hypotheses,” Felix corrected, absentmindedly. “And, yeah? But I mean, I can’t know for sure, Moony, it’s just guesses.”

“Guesses is better than anything I’ve got. Shoot, please.”

“Honestly, Moony…” he sighed. “Honestly, I think he was too ashamed.”

Moony gave him a weird look.

“I’m serious. He doesn’t act like it, but he really wants others to like him and think highly of him.” He frowned down at his lap. “And, I mean, I wasn’t there… but Mum told me that after he gave me to them, Momma got madder than Mum had ever seen her. She apparently tore into him about what a violation of, well, a ton of stuff it had been and so on.”

He sighed. “And the stupid part is, I think he genuinely thought he was doing something nice, you know? And when she revealed just how not nice it had been, he must have been so ashamed and embarrassed.” He felt his ears slick back. “I mean, I know it’s not the same thing at all, but I can relate to thinking you’re doing good and then have people be mad at you instead.”

Moony’s nose wrinkled. “Except, yours was like, ‘kid trying to give animals chocolate’ and not ‘making an entire baby without someone’s knowledge or consent’.”

“…I’ve done bad stuff in good faith as an adult too. But yeah, much different scale.” He sighed, again. He was doing a lot of that tonight. “Anyway. I think Momma and other people somehow got it through to him why what he did was so bad; once, I heard him talk about it to Momma –they didn’t know I was listening– and he mentioned how violating it felt to have someone else change his own body to stone against his will, so I’m fairly certain he was getting some of the, uh, bodily autonomy bits at least.”

Felix paused. “I mean, I think. I can’t read his mind.” He shook his head; don’t get sidetracked. “So he felt really ashamed over what he did –only that wasn’t all that he had done. That Mum and Momma knew, I mean. There was more they didn’t even know about yet.”

“Da-da-dum,” Moony added dramatic notes in the background. Felix shot her a look; now wasn’t really the time for that. She gave him a sheepish smile, and waved to continue.

“And because he doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions, he runs away from them instead and pretends like the more-that-will-make-people-even-more-disappointed doesn’t exist.”

Surprisingly, Moony winced at that last part, actually jerking away from his touch.

“What?” he asked, a bit hurt. She’d been the one to ask for his ideas.

“Nothing,” she quickly said. “Nothing, just, uh–” She looked at him. “Just trying to figure out why did it all in the first place, then he wouldn’t have to feel bad. I mean, I can sort of understand the basic logic of ‘friend wants baby, I can make one’, that then lead him to do other stuff. But not why he didn’t tell anyone or ask for advice or help before just taking…” she trailed off, staring at Felix expectantly

He gave her a suspicious look. “Yeah, who knows,” he said, flatly. “But that doesn’t explain why–”

“Really, no ideas at all?” She interrupted, a bit pleading. “None whatsoever?”

“…You really want me to play devil’s advocate here?”

“Please.”

“…Only if you won’t get mad. I mean, I can try to guess why forever, but that doesn’t mean I think he shouldn’t get held accountable for what he did.”

Moony looked a bit affonted, as if she hadn’t just pulled away when he’d told her his last thoughts. “Of course I won’t get mad. I’m not trying to… excuse it or whatever, I’m just trying to make some sense of it.”

He nodded carefully. “Okay, the dumbest idea I still think might be true then: Discord was basically a panicked parent at the time.”

Moonstone choked, and had to cough on her own spit for a few minutes. He patted her back as she hacked and wiped tears away. “..what?” she finally rasped out. “You can’t…”

She paused, and gave him a measured –if red-eyed– look. “I mean, if you want to think of him as– I guess he did give you–”

“What? No!” He slapped her back once more for good measure. “At best, he’s a weird uncle. But I mean, when I was still in an egg.”

He pursed his lips, as he felt Moony’s eyes on him. “Think about it; a baby he had made –from himself even!– that he’d helped and watched grow for moons and moons –and then that baby was basically dying. He still hadn’t given me to my moms, so he must have felt some kind of familial responsibility for me. And then, when he found your horn…” Felix shrugged. “Panic makes poor planners?”

Moony just stared. Felix fidgeted under her gaze. “Sorry. As I said, it’s just a devil’s argument, and I mean, it might not even be true. And even if it is, being scared isn’t an excuse to hurt others, and–” He was babbling now.

Moony put a hoof on his claw. “Hey, stop. I know. I’m just…” She gave him a weak grin. “Trying to think of Discord as fatherly and coming up blank.”

“…I don’t think of him as my parent.” Felix said, softly. “And I don’t think I ever will. And…” He felt his claws clench. “I’m still so mad at him. For not saying anything to anyone! Even if he was ashamed, that doesn’t mean he just gets to… aurgh.” The last word came out in a literal growl.

Moony patted his claws. “Yeah, me too.” She looked at the dark ceiling. “Me too.”

For a while, they sat in silence.

Then Moony rose. “I’m gonna try to sleep. You should–”

“Do you think I don’t know when you’re hiding stuff?”

Moony stopped mid-step on the stairs.

“All this Discord stuff wasn’t what you were really thinking about.” Felix continued. “I know you, Moony. You were going to say something else, but you shifted topic.” He held up a claw, to count on his talons as he spoke. “And then you didn’t take the conversation seriously, despite it apparently being so important it couldn’t wait until Hearth’s Warming. For that matter, you cringed when I talked about you coming home then. You physically revolted when I talked about Discord not facing his own emotions, and you changed subjects again when I tried to find out why. And–” He threw his claw out. “–whatever it is, it’s so important that you haven’t even asked once if I’m okay like you always do when you know I’m scared about something coming tomorrow!”

Moony’s ears slicked back. “Sorry,” she whispered without turning to him. “…are you okay?”

“No! I was, until my best friend started to act weird in the middle of the night and won’t talk about it –to the point where she’d rather talk about a subject she’d avoided like the plague for two weeks now!”

Without a word, Moony slumped down on the stairs again; this time, on the stomach so she kept facing away from Felix. He just walked up beside the stairs, and rose onto his hindlegs to still be at eye-level with her. She had her face turned towards the wall though.

“Please, Moony.” Felix softly pleaded. “I hate so see you hurting like this; I just want to help.”

No response. Felix wracked his brain.

“…you cringed when I talked about you visiting for Hearth’s Warming,” he realised. “Is that… are you not coming home this year either?” He had to admit he felt a bit disappointed, but is was vastly overshadowed by his worry.

His idea was confirmed by Moony’s hesitant nod.

That was… as he’d previously thought, as bit disappointing, but…

He leaned forward to nuzzle her side. “That’s okay Moony. I mean,” he swallowed. “we’ll miss you, but we all understand if you just can’t.”

He took a deep breath and nuzzled her again. “But… Moony, that’s not all, is it? You wouldn’t be…” He helplessly shook his head. “…this much, if it was just that.” Another nuzzle. He couldn’t reach to do much else. “Please, tell me?”

“Sorry,” she finally said with a raspy voice, still facing the wall. “I– I don’t mean to be like… like this, and making you…”

“Don’t be sorry,” he buffed at her side. “I mean it. You’re allowed to be sad, Moony.”

“…I was so happy when I heard you’d actually be coming,” Moony whispered. Felix kep quiet, hoping she’d continue. “But I was worried, because…”

She took a shuddering breath.

“But then the entire… bombshell happened. And…” She finally turned her head towards him. Her eyes were red and watery and Felix felt his heart clench. “…it’s stupid. It’s stupid, but it was a bit of… a relief?”

Felix felt his eyes widen, but he still kept himself from interrupting her.

“I mean, it was awful and I’m not saying I’m happy that it happened in the first place at all–” she wiped at her eyes, and gave a humorless laugh. “–but it was a very good distraction. A perfectly valid one! I had to deal with that before anything else, I didn’t have a choice.”

She laughed again, louder, yet still without any happiness in the sound. “I don’t have to deal with my current problems, if there are old problems I need to focus on instead!”

And with that, she buried her face in her hooves and sobbed.

Felix hopped up and braced his paws into the shelves below the stairs, so he could press his muzzle into her mane. Making soothing noises deep in his throat.

Moony had to sob for a little while until she could even try to speak again. “But I can’t– you leave tomorrow! I had two weeks but I’m just pushing it up and I ran out of time!!”

“We have tonight,” Felix gently reminded her, keeping his muzzle pressed to her head. “And if it’s this important, I’ll just wait to leave later, Moony. You’re more important than a train ticket.”

“I’m not even sure how to start,” Moony sobbed.

“Anywhere.” He pulled away slightly so he could look at her as they spoke. Even if her face remained buried in her hooves. “I can puzzle it together after.”

“I- I…” Moony tried to start, but had to pause to sniffle. “I… keep failing classes?”

Felix put his head down next to her and waited.

“That’s stupid. Everypony fails at some classes, and I know I shouldn’t…” She sniffed again, and her head rose slightly; even if she just looked down on her hooves. “And I mean, I always retake the finals and I pass on the second or third try, but it takes so much time and I don’t know why it’s so hard. I never had problems before! But even as I get more help and time and– I just don’t get it when everyone else does!”

Her lips were pulled back into the grimace everypony does when they’re crying, so her words were a bit warbled, but Felix didn’t say anything; he understood enough to get the message at least. And it seemed that starting to speak had opened the floodgates for Moony, because she quickly moved on.

“And I don’t know how to make friends, Felix,” She sobbed. “I try. I try so hard. In- in group projects I ask if they want to do something after class, or have lunch together, but they don’t or either they do and then it’s awkwards and they never do it again. Or my neighbours, I invite them over but they almost never come and then I can hear them having parties and- and dinner together and never invite me, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

She looked at him. “Am I too pushy? Too weird? I don’t know!”

He wanted to tell her that she was none of that –okay, maybe a little weird, but that was a good thing– but he didn’t want to interrupt her.

“And I hate it here! I’m always stressed, so lonely and afraid –and I spent to much time, so much effort to convince my moms that I’d be fine, that I was ready, that this was where I belonged…”

“But I’m just a failure!” Moony cried, burying her face once more in her hooves. “I’m too stupid and too- too asocial to fit in. Anywhere! So I just walk in circles and I don’t get anywhere, and I will never get anywhere, and…” She paused to catch her breath. “And I’m so tired, Felix.”

Felix leaned up as far as he could and took some time to put a front leg over her, as he tried his best to comfort her. He somehow started to purr; he didn’t have any control over that, but this one time he was happy he was doing it. Moony always said it sounded comforting when he’d done it by accident around her.

“…Is that the real reason why you haven’t come home?” He finally murmured. “You know your moms won’t– they love you, they’d try to help.”

She buried her face deeper into her hooves.

“That’s why I can’t,” she cried. “It’s– it’s too easy there, Felix. If I go home, I’ll never be able to leave again!”

Felix leaned up to stick his nose close to where her face was hidden. “Thing’s don’t have to be hard, Moony. That’s… things being easy isn’t bad!” He shook his mane. “I- I know people say struggle gives life meaning, but that’s roadapples. Challenges do, but challenges can be anything, they don’t have to be battles.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Moony warbled into her hooves. “I’m not staying because I think things have to be hard, I– I’m just…”

After she’d gone quiet for a little while, Felix nudged her. “Then, what do you mean?”

“I… I’m not sure how to…” She stopped. Took a deep breath, lifted her head to stare him in the eyes, and tried again. “It was so hard to get here. I tried to not let it show, but it was so hard. Each step I was so afraid, and so many of them were painful, Felix. Having to hurt you by going so far away–” More tears welled up in her eyes. “It hurt, it hurt so much.”

“But I did it, I somehow got up those steps.” She looked away, staring into the stairs ahead of her with a vacant look. “But now, I can’t climb any more. The next step is too high; no matter how I try and try, I just keep stomping on the same one I’ve been standing on for a year now.”

She pulled her gaze away from the nothing, and looked at him again. “Home is simple; going down steps is as easy as falling.” Her eyes were so tired. “It’s easy, it’s too easy –except, I lose all the progress I made. All those steps I took, all the nights of being unable to sleep because of yet another step I needed to climb… all for nothing.”

“And I can’t–” Her eyes screwed shut. “I can’t climb them again. I’m too tired, I can barely walk. I can’t do it again, I can’t, I can’t Felix, I can’t.”

With each ‘can’t’ she slammed a hoof into the stairs in front of her. Felix reached out, and gently grabbed her leg to stop her. She looked at him, her eyes filled with despair. “Isn’t just a little progress, even if that’s all I’ll ever have, better than being back to the beginning?”

This was above Felix’ ability to help. “Moony…” he said softly, hearing how his own voice cracked. “I can’t… progress isn’t linear, Moony. And if it’s hurting you, it’s not… needing help, it’s not going backwards. Do you understand? It’s going forwards too, with- with a different path?”

“I– I know that. I’ve tried,” Moony said, looking away. “That’s- that’s why I was actually late to meet you. I mean, the university is right next door, why would I need to get a cab? And have to run?” She closed her eyes. “I was trying to go to therapist. I’ve been trying for… a long while now, but I never get any further than their damn front door!”

She glared at the stairs again. “Home is easy, Felix, because I won’t get help there. My moms will panic, and wrap me up in blankets and pillows and let me sit all day and read comics and play around with cutting gems. They can’t help me, because when I’m hurt they hurt, and then someone else has to help them. So they’ll just… let me be complacent, and I’ll never actually get better.”

With a sigh, she heaved her body so she was laying on her side, facing him. “But I don’t get that here either. I try, but I can’t. And I don’t know what to do.”

Felix wasn’t sure what to do either.

Moony’s reluctant yawn made him remember that it was in the middle of the night. Even if he did know, there wasn’t much he could do right now.

But he could make sure Moony didn’t sleep on the stairs. With a huff, he jumped up beside her, and grabbed her around the barrel. She muttered something at him, but didn’t actually protest as he lifted her up and onto her actual bed.

She must have tired herself out during her sudden outpouring of emotional honesty, because she fell asleep almost as soon as Felix put her head on the pillow and dragged her blanket up on her. He pushed it in around her until she was wrapped up and unable to move; he’d noticed since they were kids it was the best way to make sure she actually slept well and didn’t wake up –she had a tendency to throw her blanket off otherwise.

He then fetched a glass of water from the kitchen nook –after chugging one himself– and put it on the shelf beside her bed that served as a nightstand. After crying so much, she’d most likely be parched come morning.

Once that was done he hesitated; should he go down and sleep on the mattress or…

Moony softly whimpering made up his mind, and he flew up to settle down beside her. After he put his tail over her neck, she quieted down; though, he hoped it was Luna rather than him, because the mare would know a lot better what to do to help with this than he currently did.

He then shut his eyes and tried to sleep the few hours remaining of the night. He wasn’t worried about the trip tomorrow any longer; he wasn’t going on the trip any more after all.

There was no way he was leaving her right now.