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I love Frosted Mini Wheats. Sure, they’re basically sugared cardboard, but the crunchy texture and explosion of milk when you bite into them is a joy.
My love, however, does not extend to their terrible, awful, unfuckable mascot. I cannot accept that the company responsible for Tony the Tiger and Toucan Sam took one look at this lazy turd of a mascot and thought. “Love it. Can’t wait for the furries to lewd it!”
This is unacceptable, and while I am not one to normally take actions for the sake of my community, since that sounds like work, I am making an exception in this case. I call upon my followers to write down your suggestions for a new mascot for Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats!
Here are the guidelines:
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It has to be a cartoon animal. It’s freaking Kelloggs, for crying out loud! Sure, they took a misstep with Snap, Crackle and Pop, but we must not falter just because they did.
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How many female cereal mascots can you name? That’s right. None! Is this supposed to be acceptable? Of course not! Kelloggs, you had the opportunity to bless us with a female mascot when you gave us Mini Wheats, and failed. We shall not, however. The mascot must be female.
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While it’s only really necessary to suggest what kind of animal to pick, you do not need to stop there. What’s the cereal’s iconic tagline? Something to challenge “They’re GRRREAT!” and “Trix are for kids!” And how about the character’s name, or choice of outfit?
This is it. Your chance to save Western Civilization from collapsing under it’s own ennui. Come July, I will gather all your suggestions and let my Patrons vote on the winner, which will get a design by me.
And just because, have a cheesy commercial to go with it.
[Scene opens on a beach. A pair of unnamed kids look out across the water with concern at a distant figure.]
Unnamed Boy: “He doesn’t have the energy to make it back to shore!”
Mindy: “He will be after a delicious bowl of Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats!”
That box would probably be a bigger celebration of women if they didn’t write “LIMITED EDITION!” across the top
That’s the spirit.
Polar Bear or Polar Bear/Kodiak hybrid in a construction orange tube top and black bike shorts. Cereal tagline: Super sweet, just like me! Character name: Sugar Snow.
Seriously.
Or is this more about masterbating on cereal boxes?
Or is it something even weirder, like some sense of perverse satisfaction when some mother in the grocery store picks a box of cereal and you smile because it’s something you jerk off to, and you enjoy thinking others might be doing that too?
Just stick with Tony, he’s never done you wrong.
I dunno about a name… maybe Jackie Frost? No idea for a tagline. “Lets fiberrrr uuuuppppp!” oh, that’s horrible, lol.
Everyone gets to make suggestions, and then my patrons will vote on which one they want as the winning entry.