Badly:  
bitch I drink moonshine like a lonely girl eats chocolate  
my livers so fucked up i’m turning black

Is that anything like the Master of Unlocking?

I bet I can beat her.
 
_{Truth is, I never drank alcoholic cider before.}

@Prof.NightJack  
Alright. Gets on the phone, looks up library in the phone book and finds golden oaks library, calls the number
 
Me: Hello?  
Spike: Hello, this is golden oaks library.  
Me: Uh, yes. Is Twilight there?  
Spike: Yes, but she’s busy at the moment. (Sounds of moaning in the background)  
Me: Uh-huh. Ok. Tell her that Nightjack is in need of a ride home and he’s drunk out of his gourd.  
Spike: OK, I’ll tell he-(Twilight)Spike get back here! I need you!  
Spike: Oh, um.. sorry. I have to go. I’ll give her the message. Bye.
 
 
OK then… I guess she got the message.

@sixtyfour215  
But there isn’t a bus in Pon-hic-Ponyville….  
Just call Twi-hic-Twilight I live next to%(under)% the li-hic-library.

@Prof.NightJack  
I’d walk you home.. but I don’t know where you live.
 
 
But here, Hands you a buss ticket That should get you home nicely.

@sixtyfour215  
Your not hic carrying them an-hic-anywhere, I’ll just teleport them home. hic  
(tries to teleport, goggles disappear)  
HAY hic who stole my goggles!

Aaaand Luna’s down.
 
I don’t think I can carry both of them. But oh well.

Collapses on the floor
 
BAP!
 
Zzzzzzzzzzz

Sigh… C’mon Applejack, lemme take you home.  
Grabs applejack and goes to carry her home, in my arms, princess style :3

Yeah! That’s right!
 
hic
 
Go back home!
 
hic
 
Coward!
 
hic
 
I looooove you so much you fine mare~
 
Head hits bar table
 
Zzzzzzzzzz

We decree that We have won! Obey as thy
 
Hic hic!
 
-commands!
 
_{Ugh we need to get back to the palace… So sloshed…}

Sigh, I guess you all need a sober person to judge this.

You too Night hic Jack!

Buncha hooey
 
hic
 
Ah saw you hic fall off the bar stool before me!

@Applejack & @Princess♥Luna  
Your both dr-hic-drunk, I win! HIC

…
 
hic
 
Ugh, bull… Thou showed signs of drowsiness seconds before Us.

@Luna:
 
Ah still say I hic won…

Mare, I drink more in a week than you do in a year.
 
10 bits says you break first.

Deal!
 
An undisclosed and careless amount of alcoholic apples later

Me du-hic-dunk off of cider, NEVER, I on-hic-only get drunk off of sc-hic-scotch!  
(falls over bar stool)

Professor, You’re drunk. Go home :P

@Applejack  
But I already drank 4 ke-hic-kegs.

Perhaps I am. Tell ya what. Friendly gentlemare’s wager. We both drink ten mugs and the first one to show signs of inebriation pays the bill.

;p
 
Thou art prideful…