Except… I find it impossible to be angry with God if my mistakes brought me to where I am at. Though I wish I could handle social anxiety better. Especially in moments when I struggle to avoid hating and blaming myself.

There is good news though. My mentors in music equipment repair are Christians. I have so much to learn in order to overcome my problems.

@LP2Lily
Do not test the Shepherd lest He allows you to be enslaved by the sower of tares. The Shepherd’s heart is big and will forgive, but He will not stop you if you willingly lust after the pit of death set by the sower of tares. This doesn’t mean He stands idly by. “Stop,” He will say. “Return and live! Do not be like the dog that returns to wallow in the mud!” He will grab your arm or stand in your way, but if you shrug those warnings off, He won’t stop you on your rebellious journey to the pit. For if one stays in the mud and never goes out, is he really saved? Nevertheless, He will stretch out His arms wide when the prodigal recognizes the error of his ways and returns to Him. Before the pit swallows you whole and you cry out to Him, His hand will be there to drag you out of it.

Maybe not, but you are correct about deserving it. Even while the world desired to put us in the chains of bondage he above us all died for us. In that demonstrating his love provided redemption to set us free from the world that enslaved us.